tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-67929053644096851972024-03-18T22:54:57.459-04:00Last Sheep on the LeftA mostly true account of some important things and many not so important things.Shanihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09594553546994038537noreply@blogger.comBlogger19125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6792905364409685197.post-86841657828601504922011-07-17T16:22:00.000-04:002011-07-17T16:22:10.607-04:00Summertime.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Hello there! Here in Massachusetts, it is summertime. Or, as a Bostonian might say, "It's fucking hot, ya tahd."</span></div><br />
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</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">So anyway, I spent the past couple of months doing various summery activities. This is mostly what happened everyday:</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
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</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">True story. </span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Anyway, here's what you missed while I was away:</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
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</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><b>1. </b></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">We got a new kitten. She's so sweet and loving. She's a little princess of benevolence and affection. She loves to cuddle and sleep on our laps. We couldn't have asked for a better, more well-behaved little baby kitty.</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">...Kidding. She's bloodthirsty and hates us.</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj-kBzKpz-rSISf7OU9PwRIFWUBdK5EOaVUytKuFZj537mHufpEDXDjXDEm1znp4zGbGKipNd_oJa6Vy_A7hKetk3i7HHKFYTZ9gdoVc9wVve9QruNP_nUlvS6nFLVrZYplThyXz7HTeQ90/s1600/Rosie.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj-kBzKpz-rSISf7OU9PwRIFWUBdK5EOaVUytKuFZj537mHufpEDXDjXDEm1znp4zGbGKipNd_oJa6Vy_A7hKetk3i7HHKFYTZ9gdoVc9wVve9QruNP_nUlvS6nFLVrZYplThyXz7HTeQ90/s400/Rosie.png" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Her name's Rosie, as in "The color of your blood when she <i>slaughters you like a fucking fieldmouse."</i></span></td></tr>
</tbody></table><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">My mom is actually very afraid of her. She often tries to defend herself with a squirt bottle, but to no avail. My dad suggested that we should try wrapping duct tape around our ankles, so the cat can't scratch them. I believe that may be over-thinking the situation -- I say we duct tape her to the ceiling.</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
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</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><b>2. </b>I met my beloved guitar hero, Nils Lofgren, after a concert. It's nice to know that I can now die happy.</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg-P1a101Au7tmpuHWKvYirQglRXcUOgmJZ0frfynW2CePb4BiiNgywtBCpT2aurTfbjoasPIswHtvw2lztab7Ufd5pSw1PzD2OgIXr6qWoBBaPx2gP55uCtkJXoOe2PcKWj8PRnHxweK-a/s1600/awkward+introduction.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg-P1a101Au7tmpuHWKvYirQglRXcUOgmJZ0frfynW2CePb4BiiNgywtBCpT2aurTfbjoasPIswHtvw2lztab7Ufd5pSw1PzD2OgIXr6qWoBBaPx2gP55uCtkJXoOe2PcKWj8PRnHxweK-a/s400/awkward+introduction.png" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">The picture we got is something to that effect.</span></td></tr>
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</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><b>3. </b>I somehow contracted chickenpox, even though I had it as a little girl. During this time, I beat <i>Pokemon XD: Gale of Darkness</i> for the Gamecube. Time well-spent? Hell yeah.</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiKO75bLr73smpr0yJVNJA8jK8STeBt6ScQvq5ldCX4JBMFo4LpS9-RFrn5thc2KvlTOE9Ea3J5WyloCXU_hYWq7a5HALZr-LT06QYgLH-zPSuinRHGLGKoOTr9OI7dVlXo3LW76OQTLAzE/s1600/me+and+pikachu.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiKO75bLr73smpr0yJVNJA8jK8STeBt6ScQvq5ldCX4JBMFo4LpS9-RFrn5thc2KvlTOE9Ea3J5WyloCXU_hYWq7a5HALZr-LT06QYgLH-zPSuinRHGLGKoOTr9OI7dVlXo3LW76OQTLAzE/s400/me+and+pikachu.png" width="400" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
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</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><b>4. </b></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">My father got a new apartment, and it's like, ten WHOLE square feet!<b> </b>Yes! Major upgrade from last apartment! AND OUR NEIGHBOR HAS CHICKENS!!</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjTCnJhkpObFYanhOx67W9Hm5wMz9jMuOkuvLOnHkfqN4cRgBR-d9y3Tc6L16btG4epqwn2YtPYNP3JvYipPuNpSILC2Rs7kxrX8tMJNAWwvnIK747AvgHHi913AIdgpE5WBlDG-XMl90x3/s1600/chicken..png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjTCnJhkpObFYanhOx67W9Hm5wMz9jMuOkuvLOnHkfqN4cRgBR-d9y3Tc6L16btG4epqwn2YtPYNP3JvYipPuNpSILC2Rs7kxrX8tMJNAWwvnIK747AvgHHi913AIdgpE5WBlDG-XMl90x3/s400/chicken..png" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">This is a chicken.<br />
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</tbody></table><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><b>5. </b>We got a new couch. It's green.</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjAw0QBz343ThQUQzA0r2ANwlvgMpilqdYG_nJ_y858s99M2GqfnNPlsR-W1L4yOuXyA_4GlF2Dqk29avs1w5E-meFnq3h60NPNUjwWZ_xHjsVttyUwGf0CjN5WTdmZi3AqqagIQ_w3tiy4/s1600/the+couch.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjAw0QBz343ThQUQzA0r2ANwlvgMpilqdYG_nJ_y858s99M2GqfnNPlsR-W1L4yOuXyA_4GlF2Dqk29avs1w5E-meFnq3h60NPNUjwWZ_xHjsVttyUwGf0CjN5WTdmZi3AqqagIQ_w3tiy4/s400/the+couch.png" width="400" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
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</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><b>6. </b>My friend Annie and I tried to light a banana on fire.</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEghI2vLDCz5G1OIEeQ9XivRnPfgYpHKGr030-PKvM6sBVLEjlT_1TYzuS9BtCMViRvmZ7eSgkXx0AOOFECHQ0CgnJibR1My5lbd8nYGzD8QNqX7knwuK1eQu12ipntr6xxgOnpoJirhetSy/s1600/banana+fire.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEghI2vLDCz5G1OIEeQ9XivRnPfgYpHKGr030-PKvM6sBVLEjlT_1TYzuS9BtCMViRvmZ7eSgkXx0AOOFECHQ0CgnJibR1My5lbd8nYGzD8QNqX7knwuK1eQu12ipntr6xxgOnpoJirhetSy/s400/banana+fire.png" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Side-note: BANANAS ARE FUCKING FLAME-</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">RETARDAN</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">T</span></span></td></tr>
</tbody></table><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Actually, other than fiddling endlessly on my guitar and finding a free sombrero by the side of the road (refer to the first picture), that's pretty much what's been going on.</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">...I think I need to get out more.</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
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</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"></div>Shanihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09594553546994038537noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6792905364409685197.post-58845262079779799782011-05-07T08:36:00.000-04:002011-05-07T08:36:05.266-04:00I can't do the sleep good most time.<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">I do not function well when I receive minimal amounts of sleep. </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">My brain doesn't process reality. My body doesn't realize I'm awake. My eyes can't read words or get used to bright lights. My vocal chords and tongue won't do talk good. </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">All of this severely damages my already inferior skills at surviving the day. This is bad. Very bad. </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">It all begins with the alarm. That awful alarm. That alarm that sounds like it's vomiting a plethora of short-circuiting robots into my ears every morning. It never successfully tunes into any radio station. Why? I don't know. Maybe it's just a huge asshole.</span><br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhXheYTEO7LZhaalHk6d0v4h3w-4RuG4OTL1NMeixUyYydcSKjFO4dyX6zvGttBJeyTe984cFl3Sn3lfBb27xBK5VQdCREd-OCz7jvsy-7V2T1J1dV2t7P29UhXAyCse7IOCVQrb6xWDC20/s1600/rude+awakening.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhXheYTEO7LZhaalHk6d0v4h3w-4RuG4OTL1NMeixUyYydcSKjFO4dyX6zvGttBJeyTe984cFl3Sn3lfBb27xBK5VQdCREd-OCz7jvsy-7V2T1J1dV2t7P29UhXAyCse7IOCVQrb6xWDC20/s400/rude+awakening.png" width="400" /></a></div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Eventually, spurred on by the need to throw my clock across the room, I manage to extract myself from my sexy, warm blankets and immerse myself in the cold, dark world of morning. Upon exiting my room, the cruel truth of life hits me: I cannot overcome simple obstacles when inebriated by lack of sleep.</span><br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhY419MpsNpjCazpsPBgErUL4oGDNGlRdWoq46H9M1po3ggfyqjK_uTFJItSYrx94LLv75puksc8nwGSf_9DRD21nGRKj9aF6Of743ml48X5RDL2nEZ1ivZ5XDluYYBlwVbYTe9nf9vv9z3/s1600/morning+stairs.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhY419MpsNpjCazpsPBgErUL4oGDNGlRdWoq46H9M1po3ggfyqjK_uTFJItSYrx94LLv75puksc8nwGSf_9DRD21nGRKj9aF6Of743ml48X5RDL2nEZ1ivZ5XDluYYBlwVbYTe9nf9vv9z3/s400/morning+stairs.png" width="400" /></a></div><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">I speak the truth. Also, it's vital to keep in mind that it is dark as the inside of an dried cow bladder in my house in the morning. My natural survival instincts, such as the ability to switch on the lights, escape me at this time of day. The stairs are just the beginning. When I manage to reach my kitchen, I am greeting by my own personal Happy Morning Welcome Wagon.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">The impossibility of the day begins to dawn on me. After shoving breakfast down my sleeping throat, and doing other stuff that happens in the morning, I proceed to the bus stop. There I am greeted by my neighbor, whom I go to school with. He always has way more energy than me.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">After this point, the day becomes a total blur of unfocused classes and social interactions that I usually don't even remember later. I exist merely as a blob of living matter sitting in the midst of a world I'm not really mentally connected to.</span><br />
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</div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">The sad truth is, days like these happen often. It's one less day I've enjoyed in my lifetime. The sadness of it strikes me now and then. But usually, I'm too busy collapsing onto my bed at 7:00 and catching up on sleep to consider it for too long.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">It's a lifestyle. I'm not saying it's a good one, but... you know. It's mine. So hop off beeyotch.</span><br />
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</span>Shanihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09594553546994038537noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6792905364409685197.post-89777327839470804202011-04-28T17:02:00.001-04:002011-04-28T17:02:24.880-04:00Mom Knows Best<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Hey my peeps. </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">So, I'm back by popular (one person's) demand. Yes, I'll admit, I was temporarily distracted by my nighttime job of vigilante crime-fighting in the insidious streets of Massachusetts...</span><br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg57FokXJzmiZTcJXDbvk2ukswkfcpxKMmKNyb8xwSW82-EA7Fzm8Na6mSWG7h4y0jQkIxme8HuPvyPi7tw30ZqZIU5DP2V4ndNZPWlm4Z6B42f-ILmWlGiDegTbQ3KD-nDOrXW4t70NElK/s1600/nocturnal+crime-fighting.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg57FokXJzmiZTcJXDbvk2ukswkfcpxKMmKNyb8xwSW82-EA7Fzm8Na6mSWG7h4y0jQkIxme8HuPvyPi7tw30ZqZIU5DP2V4ndNZPWlm4Z6B42f-ILmWlGiDegTbQ3KD-nDOrXW4t70NElK/s400/nocturnal+crime-fighting.png" width="400" /></a></div><div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">You understand, though. Being the hero can be harsh. </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Anyhoo, I am proud to say that </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">I have a whole new outlook on this blogging business. </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">I have something important to say to y'all, straight from the bottom of my rather large and generous heart. I'm gonna stick to it this time and keep cranking out those useless life experiences for you, all for the small price of nothing. Sound good? Good like gingerbread? </span></div><div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">...at least I think that's what I meant to say. It might just be the Dr. Pepper talking. That smooth, exquisite, luscious, delectably foxy soda.... </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">ahem. I may have had a sip earlier today. I don't know when my father's going to learn that supplying me with delicious forms of caffeine is not a good idea. </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">But man, do I covet that Dr. Pepper. My mom never let me drink soda growing up, so naturally I've learned to cherish every single drop that comes into my possession. In hindsight, there was probably something to this rule. My mom says that in the end, she's always right. </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Also, I handle caffeine rather poorly. </span></div></div></div></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">You see, caffeine poisoning is very serious in some individuals. Some people just can't handle their Pepsi. I know I am susceptible to this affliction. I will not try to deny it. I cannot break free of it, however. I can only show you what it looks like to witness this terrible spectacle, and hope that you don't travel down the same barren road I did.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
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</div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">The first stage. You are aware of the presence of the bottle. It's sitting there, begging to be swigged. The color is beautiful. The seal of the cap so delicately unbroken. Your twitching limbs, flopping surreptitiously in the direction of the sweet elixir, drawing you closer with every second, like iron fillings to a magnet. The fleeting glances. </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Often, I willing put myself in this risky position because of the undeniable splendor of the bottle of Mega Voluptuous Caffeine Suckerpunch or whatever I happen to stumble upon. </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
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</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">But WAIT! At this point I remember my mother's dire message... </span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><b>YOU CANNOT HAVE THAT SODA.</b></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><b><br />
</b></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">...do I really have it in me to deny that one simple statement, spoken by the most important, all-powerful person in my life?</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">The uncertainty grows within like a festering disease. That disease slowly transforms into a looming fear. The consequences. The repercussions. Punishment. If I should be caught. What will happen to me? I may never see the softly glowing silhouette of a sweet bottle of Coca-Cola again...</span><br />
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</span></div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiv2mH7alf8jfFfcOWSHGXSRj5Dm0_qMDj7NXBn0L6KCM5NOg6QeSLQ_uoRdxOYPvYf_Fj9TbQ8VdkP4vBz5aP7wLH5QHC3i-D2jslx_NrkBQeoXX6yzfZ1ldW_R3iKYToHL6AJ0Htm_cfr/s1600/caff+s4.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiv2mH7alf8jfFfcOWSHGXSRj5Dm0_qMDj7NXBn0L6KCM5NOg6QeSLQ_uoRdxOYPvYf_Fj9TbQ8VdkP4vBz5aP7wLH5QHC3i-D2jslx_NrkBQeoXX6yzfZ1ldW_R3iKYToHL6AJ0Htm_cfr/s400/caff+s4.png" width="400" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Then my eyes fall on the bottle once more. Can't deny it. There it is. In all its glory. </span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small;">IN.</span> <b>ALL. <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">ITS. </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-large;">SUMPTUOUS. GLORY.</span></b></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgSKkzJXEGN7hqKcT5XEufxXQb8JRCw2L3_mJSBcxvQDIlXbEFf18DwLFZCb7T-Ms_9Kg_ueb08RLFjzfEuqsSnKxw2eAxcILViS0jmCHz98aK5gcb4rabynBSKplXiJ2BWd2hG3MYdvtZ1/s1600/caff+s5.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgSKkzJXEGN7hqKcT5XEufxXQb8JRCw2L3_mJSBcxvQDIlXbEFf18DwLFZCb7T-Ms_9Kg_ueb08RLFjzfEuqsSnKxw2eAxcILViS0jmCHz98aK5gcb4rabynBSKplXiJ2BWd2hG3MYdvtZ1/s400/caff+s5.png" width="400" /></a></div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Then. It comes down to this. The moment of truth. The final showdown between what I desire most and what I know in my heart to be right. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgFUn61Anx7Gi_1UafagwlHa8f6X5LeBTJi1PBOLbjHM85gGsydGngC9Ci5XFDq30PM2exUc3IB1JPWdJvB5I7GSsp5JEkXHKpqjkhEwceDuEeXB7c4w2n-wNTiOcgJU1vJnRQTVJj1EDhW/s1600/caff+s6.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgFUn61Anx7Gi_1UafagwlHa8f6X5LeBTJi1PBOLbjHM85gGsydGngC9Ci5XFDq30PM2exUc3IB1JPWdJvB5I7GSsp5JEkXHKpqjkhEwceDuEeXB7c4w2n-wNTiOcgJU1vJnRQTVJj1EDhW/s400/caff+s6.png" width="400" /></a></div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">This outcome seems to be the most common. The extreme desire for fructose-injected caffeine-water always wins out against my mother's will. What's a girl to do? </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Subsequently, which is one of my favorite words, the caffeine does not take effect. It seems as though it has an opposite effect on me. I usually experience a sort of energy leakage after the consumption of a bottle/can of soda. I'm not sure if my mother ever learned to recognize this caffeine low, but it feels like it must've been pretty obvious after a while.</span><br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhjmNVlc56cvPTIAUQ4W5_mRbCq_5O7YOddjVvm3Au2r-aUrEdi2hTTkHdciffCqCYS2u9pMb96YLitI-dKmtW2TOyWM4hAkjr2dxAOfaJ3HD_GYW0SbhlyrRnRI0VBT4qf0t65peeb74xj/s1600/caff+aftermath.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhjmNVlc56cvPTIAUQ4W5_mRbCq_5O7YOddjVvm3Au2r-aUrEdi2hTTkHdciffCqCYS2u9pMb96YLitI-dKmtW2TOyWM4hAkjr2dxAOfaJ3HD_GYW0SbhlyrRnRI0VBT4qf0t65peeb74xj/s400/caff+aftermath.png" width="400" /></a></div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">In any case, the unavoidable caffeine burst-o-power strikes about three to six hours late in my case. And it lasts for a while. Quite a while.</span><br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEipG1VMuOC_trME0iEFWNXP0ecld1w_d7iKlF-aMVDYVXz3ZTOUngMJuW4_xWFQAz4_MoMajX13E27Clhl3LSawQBMR9-KRrvDd3K-rYdXF8WLm2NqJawveot4SvXfrte6RDQJnhNpNAfmL/s1600/caff+afthermath2.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEipG1VMuOC_trME0iEFWNXP0ecld1w_d7iKlF-aMVDYVXz3ZTOUngMJuW4_xWFQAz4_MoMajX13E27Clhl3LSawQBMR9-KRrvDd3K-rYdXF8WLm2NqJawveot4SvXfrte6RDQJnhNpNAfmL/s400/caff+afthermath2.png" width="400" /></a></div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">It's probably pretty terrifying. It's too bad I can't see my reaction to one of my own caffeine rampages. Too bad I can't really focus on one thing long enough to see anyone else's reaction, either. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">I've noticed that my feet twitch and bounce a lot, as my caffeine highs are a little more lucid now than they were during my earlier childhood. Also, I tend to not talk quite right. And my attention span shortens to about five seconds. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">All I know is that there's probably a very good reason my mom forbid my caffeine consumption as a child.</span><br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiR2dLOQJ4URGatMDNP9yvpSfsBgXjKpcOZk_yMRSj2O1zNuG9oXBZOFexWZ6GFRH3BLHqgWnSWnK4Znu92rXyrrygWBXngjJ2PapajdqIe3kWRnOmULP7q9qcYBsQZjkirFMz0_60y6cYA/s1600/caff+afthermath3.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiR2dLOQJ4URGatMDNP9yvpSfsBgXjKpcOZk_yMRSj2O1zNuG9oXBZOFexWZ6GFRH3BLHqgWnSWnK4Znu92rXyrrygWBXngjJ2PapajdqIe3kWRnOmULP7q9qcYBsQZjkirFMz0_60y6cYA/s400/caff+afthermath3.png" width="400" /></a></div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span><br />
<div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Mom knows best.</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span></div></div>Shanihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09594553546994038537noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6792905364409685197.post-15886891207149170122011-04-01T21:41:00.001-04:002011-04-01T21:42:34.940-04:00I don't know why I laughed at that...<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">I've been feeling this creeping guilt deep in my impressive ab-encrusted gut because I didn't keep true to my personal blogging promise to post at least once a week. How can I ever hope to built a two hundred-foot solid gold statue of myself riding a moose in the middle of Canada if I can't even write a stupid blog post at least once a week??</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">What a disgrace.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">So anyway, my friend Annie told me some wonderful anti-jokes the other day, and I thought I'd share some of my favorites with you, since of course it is Fish Day in France.</span><br />
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<div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">***</span></div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><b>Q: </b>What's worse than finding a worm in your apple? </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">A: The Holocaust.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span><br />
<div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">...</span></div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><b>Q: </b></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; line-height: 24px;">Why did the black man buy 3 boxes of condoms? </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; line-height: 24px;"></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; line-height: 24px;"><b>A:</b> Because he practices safe sex and they were on sale.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; line-height: 24px;"><br />
</span><br />
<div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; line-height: 24px;">...</span></div><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Horse walks into a bar. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Bartender says, "Hey, buddy, why the long face?" </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Horse says, "My wife is dying of terminal cancer."</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span><br />
<div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">...</span></div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Knock Knock.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Who's there?</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">The police, your entire family died in a car accident.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span><br />
<div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">...</span></div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><b>Q: </b>What did one lawyer say to the other lawyer?</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><b>A: </b>We are both lawyers.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span><br />
<div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">...</span></div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><b>Q: </b>How do you get a clown off of a swing?</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><b>A: </b>You hit him with an ax.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span><br />
<div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">***</span></div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">I don't want to overwhelm you with too many tasteless attempts at humor in one post. There's about six too many here.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">It was in the very least amusing to see the range of reactions these jokes get. My friends seem to appreciate them, seeing as we start to do that awkward silent laughing if one of these bad boys is delivered correctly in the right situation. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">My mom, on the other hand, just sort of doesn't say anything after I tell one...</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">But anyway. I digress. Go home. Yoke's on you.</span><br />
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</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span>Shanihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09594553546994038537noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6792905364409685197.post-51524512850341306782011-03-30T15:55:00.001-04:002011-03-30T15:56:14.139-04:00Mornings at Shani's Benevolent Bed and Breakfast<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">My dog is wonderful. I give him that. Yes, Sir Reginald is a very good puppyboy. He's quite obedient, and barks at intruders. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">However, Reggie really likes to vomit. All over the place. It's disgusting. When I come downstairs in the morning and it's all dark, there's no way I can see that pool of bile resting just beyond the final stair. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Since bile doesn't really have a mouth, I ca</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">n't hear it saying "OH HO HO YOU'RE ABOUT TO STEP IN IT BIOTCH OH HO HO."</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span><br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjxZg63vczNeyStQgMVvWgPb6__iUMD1XPsya8r9YM2xIY1tHlOOPaMXlPSUlvovSZhkMBGv40PZj7aA9l7Tr7lJZzO7uYtBRKwv844rFJO06vgJjRWA5RfmtEHTEzh-87t8NW1Bih68-tY/s1600/Bile+hell.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjxZg63vczNeyStQgMVvWgPb6__iUMD1XPsya8r9YM2xIY1tHlOOPaMXlPSUlvovSZhkMBGv40PZj7aA9l7Tr7lJZzO7uYtBRKwv844rFJO06vgJjRWA5RfmtEHTEzh-87t8NW1Bih68-tY/s400/Bile+hell.png" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Clearly, since karma wanted to pay me back for something awful I did, I stepped in it. Yes. Just like the bile foretold.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">It's dark, I can't see, there's something disgusting and wet all over my sock, I'm trying not to fling my iPod out the window with my frantically flailing arms, and I may or may not have stepped on my cat in the process. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Sort of luckily for me, this temporary distress gives me a chance to ignore the fact that the <a href="http://lastsheepontheleft.blogspot.com/2011/03/sentinel-lady.html">Sentinel Lady</a> is watching me through her giant window, peeking at me in my bathrobe. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">...The hairs on the back of my neck just stood up.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">AND! AND! As if that weren't enough, I thought I saw this through my French door standing in my driveway:</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh4dbT-NGJ57GmEBSw-G5zp4tZzxx9NcnWpalhLq8KUn4KtWCCP_qBGI0x8xoRyjAF5fvxAtJT6dNqZYq-cf-sZwSTv0qM7dYfNtkIgOv9_x0JiTazn0MLj2HtkLvX4f53FqGaoKXHmKIpZ/s1600/deer+of+the+devil.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh4dbT-NGJ57GmEBSw-G5zp4tZzxx9NcnWpalhLq8KUn4KtWCCP_qBGI0x8xoRyjAF5fvxAtJT6dNqZYq-cf-sZwSTv0qM7dYfNtkIgOv9_x0JiTazn0MLj2HtkLvX4f53FqGaoKXHmKIpZ/s400/deer+of+the+devil.png" width="400" /></a></div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">...it was really terrifying. I thought maybe my neighbor's insane dog hag gotten loose and fallen into some radioactive waste or something, and now it wanted to devour my soul. Hey. Shit happens. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Upon a second glance, however, the formidable figure looked more like this:</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjdDruIalUr9Bfh68IoG4ujBoB8DOugTPmctvhfqSJcvWkZcPNG2xyLIZKOZUw-uc9MbMNOvRS1wWHB4rIVL2BrMVWlliytRK6EKZ-cT6rr3baCLA2xkialE2dlEnyLf6n_zjH3Thm0cJwR/s1600/a+deer.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjdDruIalUr9Bfh68IoG4ujBoB8DOugTPmctvhfqSJcvWkZcPNG2xyLIZKOZUw-uc9MbMNOvRS1wWHB4rIVL2BrMVWlliytRK6EKZ-cT6rr3baCLA2xkialE2dlEnyLf6n_zjH3Thm0cJwR/s400/a+deer.png" width="400" /></a></div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Yeah. I thought I should share that glorious insight on mornings at the House of Shani. Really. Like, you should have been there. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Um... I promise to talk about something better next time.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span>Shanihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09594553546994038537noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6792905364409685197.post-46050357244611259292011-03-19T11:44:00.001-04:002011-03-19T16:12:49.149-04:00The Bones Gene<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><i>Hey! Wanna hear about the time I almost got raped by a horny cat?</i></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">There was something different about Bones. <o:p></o:p></span></div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"> </span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">We could just tell. His brother, Ritzy, acted like any other cat. He ate his dry Purina cat chow, pooped in the litter box, sat his smelly fat ass down on our laps for petting, and looked attentively at us when we called his name in a high-pitched voice. <o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">But not Bones. I think he was a few violins short of an orchestra. A few rowers short of a sculling team. He was missing some marbles. I don’t know. Maybe it was genetic, but Bones had a quality about him that made one question his ability to navigate his way off of a couch.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgAIkwRcT4xsBCMPM7pA3BtVScJCEb57lSiyetyz_fzjqFekPbpqFZCo_J1UWMMwlEPdWXi51LtsdQZBFYMpS6TZXt65KmklPV0zSLUh2I1U6SZ0tE8Az_N5T7ukrzMGAHWmTL0V0bPuMsz/s1600/Bones.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgAIkwRcT4xsBCMPM7pA3BtVScJCEb57lSiyetyz_fzjqFekPbpqFZCo_J1UWMMwlEPdWXi51LtsdQZBFYMpS6TZXt65KmklPV0zSLUh2I1U6SZ0tE8Az_N5T7ukrzMGAHWmTL0V0bPuMsz/s400/Bones.png" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">I have added a loincloth in the hope that it will help this cat maintain a shred of dignity</span>.<br />
<br />
<br />
</td></tr>
</tbody></table><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><b>First of all</b>, he seemed to have trouble walking. He would start off determinedly towards a different room, then flop over onto the floor immediately if I poked him with my foot.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEguLQVz4LGuDnWsQ1RSUnHjGqq-cCim3Vv9vpAp_CrkF6NKMfaXo589mafdIPNmxAX9NFuLSpCeHnu7knWR1kiTNM4YUHTpHgnARV6tRDQ3VYGIdGmo4bxPdUzFq_jkjKsMByNm8ZxWcGzK/s1600/Bones+walk1.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEguLQVz4LGuDnWsQ1RSUnHjGqq-cCim3Vv9vpAp_CrkF6NKMfaXo589mafdIPNmxAX9NFuLSpCeHnu7knWR1kiTNM4YUHTpHgnARV6tRDQ3VYGIdGmo4bxPdUzFq_jkjKsMByNm8ZxWcGzK/s400/Bones+walk1.png" width="400" /></a></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjDmXmWH-7rEritVLW6WFWgQKHuWumCcowcrURxYrPBY57VBmXQLjCEAGVBoW0lWDSf1PFgCIPrK7RmbmH-bhLQhdU20-2FYsp93cO2X6khtcEiq5KMdLj98iUv_LgHKwGhNWkgiZJped3h/s1600/Bones+walk2.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjDmXmWH-7rEritVLW6WFWgQKHuWumCcowcrURxYrPBY57VBmXQLjCEAGVBoW0lWDSf1PFgCIPrK7RmbmH-bhLQhdU20-2FYsp93cO2X6khtcEiq5KMdLj98iUv_LgHKwGhNWkgiZJped3h/s400/Bones+walk2.png" width="400" /></a></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhQYy4bxT4VWSHAjEDpaBrZgA443i20dyXFPnS5BaCUsqQmNmgGgMJouRFQkRMKZRPt4XpOCfL-NtZv2Yu24AqhwtmKoD6_bYEtYKVuJDWT3YAmdOmvfR3YMEc4RyuLEzoAJjAbEIPAjZdD/s1600/Bones+walk3.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhQYy4bxT4VWSHAjEDpaBrZgA443i20dyXFPnS5BaCUsqQmNmgGgMJouRFQkRMKZRPt4XpOCfL-NtZv2Yu24AqhwtmKoD6_bYEtYKVuJDWT3YAmdOmvfR3YMEc4RyuLEzoAJjAbEIPAjZdD/s400/Bones+walk3.png" width="400" /></a></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><b>Second</b>, ironically, <b>he had no spine.</b> Watching Bones walk around, one would assume he had a normal bone structure. However, upon picking him up, his skeleton would melt instantly.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEib_FH3jiznPA8v7c5Wt9M70jyMa5sWuax84RKUN2AWKs2zFF2qT6dEg_4M1vlzGryCKAA8oaxfyglJNkjRZJK1AeiMFVlq6gMJTHiLwUxSKSXUDqq8jfOUr_ukKbcZccHV_i6wZe-93vFx/s1600/Bones+has+no+spine.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEib_FH3jiznPA8v7c5Wt9M70jyMa5sWuax84RKUN2AWKs2zFF2qT6dEg_4M1vlzGryCKAA8oaxfyglJNkjRZJK1AeiMFVlq6gMJTHiLwUxSKSXUDqq8jfOUr_ukKbcZccHV_i6wZe-93vFx/s400/Bones+has+no+spine.png" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">It made about as much sense as this picture.</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><b>Third</b>, he had a distant, wandering look perpetually glazed over his eyes. When I picked him up or called his name for food, something gave me the sense that he wasn't fully invested in his immediate environment.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgCbGzRMUkY8dvQiN84a7LVRKtFWDmHZQjPEGRQ3NpeM7gkfk5d7P9f0o04zSThBh-eCBdAvHB4FJfwLnxnsSOoCKeUdXVqvXXbD8j3Nofjf5inY_q8sdvyVM2_2lO2Ng2FjMlGR9GeMJ6x/s1600/Bones+glazed.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgCbGzRMUkY8dvQiN84a7LVRKtFWDmHZQjPEGRQ3NpeM7gkfk5d7P9f0o04zSThBh-eCBdAvHB4FJfwLnxnsSOoCKeUdXVqvXXbD8j3Nofjf5inY_q8sdvyVM2_2lO2Ng2FjMlGR9GeMJ6x/s400/Bones+glazed.png" width="400" /></a></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><b>Finally, </b>he tried to impregnate me.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">That sentence grosses me out just looking at it.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">If you can remember back into the mists of time, you will recall that I posted something about how <a href="http://lastsheepontheleft.blogspot.com/2011/03/birds-and-bees.html">my mom unintentionally taught me about sex by letting our cat get pregnant</a>. It was spring, it was warm, and love was in the air. Our trio of cats, Ritzy, Maya, and Bones, were no exception.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">For the purpose of receiving kittens for our enjoyment, we had postponed the neutering / spaying of our kittehs. Soon enough, our days were filled with watching our fine young studs awkwardly trying to get it on with Maya.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Once again I have creeped myself out. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">I have provided a visual to clarify this embarrassing display of feline instinct: </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span><br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgrv_IvrdaR89R4jxlQTovN5icqlCCykH3psDHTpE2YnqjAFaIwNXyr5GP7BhtjAsd27EMnMERklSVjOWwl4j4wTTqq6Gfkl0rIdgYnt-BPSVGSXsnRgOHPsGMYWP7hQhGDhMeO2IxR2_k9/s1600/love1.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgrv_IvrdaR89R4jxlQTovN5icqlCCykH3psDHTpE2YnqjAFaIwNXyr5GP7BhtjAsd27EMnMERklSVjOWwl4j4wTTqq6Gfkl0rIdgYnt-BPSVGSXsnRgOHPsGMYWP7hQhGDhMeO2IxR2_k9/s400/love1.png" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Survival of the fittest.<br />
</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">As far as we could tell, neither bachelor really had fatherhood in the cards. Ritzy was too naive and obese, and Bones was just... Bones.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Whatever the case, one of them seemed to have gotten the job done, as Maya did actually give birth to five kittens. Unless, of course, it was Boots, the black cat across the street. I suppose I will never know. My dear Mousse does bear quite a resemblance to Bones, however.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">If you've ever seen cats mating, you will know that the male tries to jump on the female, bite her neck, and get some sugar.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">...Um...yeah. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Well, after a day or two of watching the Magnificent Kitty Bros attempt this, I was used to it. I didn't exactly understand it, but it wasn't weirding me out anymore. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">So there I was, sitting on a stool in the kitchen, waiting for my mommy to finish cooking dinner. I was so innocent. Little did I know, Bones was sitting on the floor next to me trying to process his environment. In his shriveled raisin of a brain, this was the most complex thought he could muster:</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiyx-9I6GUgUJm4IX1x74j7vEOIpfPI6mJHdtzldRCEHe6-P9afVQXLtf-NcBiBe0dPq2VYRihzDCpcfuOq1aIQ12QWuaHpUGwa_1v5_A9V92S6aLhpgqkhPuviPTsVQoH1rsvlPQ_9REWl/s1600/Bones+simplicity.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiyx-9I6GUgUJm4IX1x74j7vEOIpfPI6mJHdtzldRCEHe6-P9afVQXLtf-NcBiBe0dPq2VYRihzDCpcfuOq1aIQ12QWuaHpUGwa_1v5_A9V92S6aLhpgqkhPuviPTsVQoH1rsvlPQ_9REWl/s400/Bones+simplicity.png" width="400" /></a></div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">You see, to Bones, the outside world was reduced to simplest terms:</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">1. If it moves, it's alive.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">2. If it squeaks and moves, it should be eaten.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">3. If it's taller than five feet and it moves, it's a human.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">4. If it's shorter than five feet and it moves, it's a cat.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">So, I was sitting there, a little, short fifth grader minding her own business, when suddenly this massive cat decides that I'm a female cat and leaps onto my back.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgwaf9GB4peoN1vFum1zlvIFt3295WxAIYTCBmGwtkgAIUShjmpMii5vhgJzjpizV9z4wx8n6gqxgJTsoUkCEKpkh-F0FO3x2RzdR8A-jf43M2YhgFa6l_oVmiix_E2turY-DbDq6SmL4FO/s1600/Bones+getting+it+on.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgwaf9GB4peoN1vFum1zlvIFt3295WxAIYTCBmGwtkgAIUShjmpMii5vhgJzjpizV9z4wx8n6gqxgJTsoUkCEKpkh-F0FO3x2RzdR8A-jf43M2YhgFa6l_oVmiix_E2turY-DbDq6SmL4FO/s400/Bones+getting+it+on.png" width="400" /></a></div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><b>Mom: </b>Oh my god! </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">She throws down her spoon and rushes to my aid, since this twenty-pound cat just pulled me backwards off my stool and onto the wood floor. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Bones scrambles off after I almost crush him. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><b>Mom: </b>...</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><b>Me: </b>...</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><b>Mom: </b>...</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">What do you even say after your mentally challenged cat tries to deflower your daughter? What do you say after your mentally challenged cat tries to deflower YOU? I was so confused. What happened?</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><b>Mom: ...</b>he was going to bite your neck, too.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Okay, traumatized for life. Thanks, Mom, for letting me experience being assaulted by a horny cat. Those kittens better be damn worth it.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">I still feel violated. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span></div>Shanihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09594553546994038537noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6792905364409685197.post-42822045643148253732011-03-18T16:52:00.001-04:002011-03-19T14:25:55.511-04:00The Jelly Cucumber<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Only spoken of in whispers, a certain tale of woe haunts the family with a spirit of squalor. It's hotly debated over whether this event actually occurred, or if it was just a tall tale spun to spice up an otherwise boring day.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">My mom swears it never happened, and unfortunately, I was not present to bear witness. So, perhaps I may never know what truly went down on that fateful night...</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">The night...</span><br />
<br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">of...</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span><br />
<div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><b>...THE JELLY CUCUMBER!</b></span></div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjzyWlq2kEEF07qWZx42wY0I7xeWy1i3l7lm0czC-Zht7OuZ2DtV2FeBJp91bjlKXyoqu_4hRb2lkYPzLzcXtpmSVbQgCWOUWDSn9BQYDdeC27A64229g9jpijWDLSi5Qu1JRmPHpZhTR4g/s1600/jelly+cuke.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjzyWlq2kEEF07qWZx42wY0I7xeWy1i3l7lm0czC-Zht7OuZ2DtV2FeBJp91bjlKXyoqu_4hRb2lkYPzLzcXtpmSVbQgCWOUWDSn9BQYDdeC27A64229g9jpijWDLSi5Qu1JRmPHpZhTR4g/s400/jelly+cuke.png" width="400" /></a></div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"> </span><br />
<div style="text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">So, I have taken what I've heard of the incident and formed my own formal opinion about its legitimacy. </span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Since I only have my father's word to go on (and that's not the best source for accuracy), I am forced to present the best understanding of the event I can manage. </span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">It was just an average evening at the house ("house" is an exaggeration; it was more of a tiny stand-alone apartment with a basement that smelled like poop and mold). </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">My father, ever the healthnut (Cheetos is his idea of a mustard green) decided to whip up a deliciously nutritious salad to go with dinner that fine evening.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span><br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgLWjHMVghdosuosNkgy57RF0xGg7BB2IpjKUllO_LogWTzpvZONNMTYeIaNjukK_6KeIpvr6hSXQvgmE1nzEz5z9QqWrBgWY1ObFTxBmAnpmYkRqd3XGiJQCDev_58Wxz924MoIFLk9it6/s1600/salad+time.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgLWjHMVghdosuosNkgy57RF0xGg7BB2IpjKUllO_LogWTzpvZONNMTYeIaNjukK_6KeIpvr6hSXQvgmE1nzEz5z9QqWrBgWY1ObFTxBmAnpmYkRqd3XGiJQCDev_58Wxz924MoIFLk9it6/s400/salad+time.png" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">My father in the midst of intense salad excitement.</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">He cut up some lush, green lettuce; he diced up some fresh, bright carrots; maybe he even threw a dash of lovely sliced tomatoes. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">His salad was finished. As he beheld it in all of its leafy glory, he took a moment to absorb its sheer beauty. However... It lacked something...</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">But what?</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">He checked the refrigerator to see if there was anything to polish up the fine salad and make it shine. Eggs? No. Milk? No. Ham? Probably not.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"> </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">He dug around for ages, and finally... </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">he beheld...</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh78WEstIcuRMOjnPQdN5UtzPghEFCTU6aWG7dhGtQg7zK4dcUw9aY4YS_a0nW-4EZzAxIKU5-TK_pGcoYEtTDBjsDNLcOkEFh6YHpqh0AGZ4E_QF-aDa4TxFFqMqaDWcibcMYdf0-XrBKB/s1600/cuke+angels.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh78WEstIcuRMOjnPQdN5UtzPghEFCTU6aWG7dhGtQg7zK4dcUw9aY4YS_a0nW-4EZzAxIKU5-TK_pGcoYEtTDBjsDNLcOkEFh6YHpqh0AGZ4E_QF-aDa4TxFFqMqaDWcibcMYdf0-XrBKB/s400/cuke+angels.png" width="400" /></a></div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">The heavens opened up to reveal a gloriously delectable cucumber, perched poised and perfect in the vegetable drawer. It was simply <i>begging </i>to be sliced up and thrown into a salad to fill it with the glory of the gods.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">My father went to work.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh577xaBqy2qldEteVY5QbkO7feHO0Xn1imZOiQXUnYqXHxL4D_HMOnSky0sy8c353H8BIPXzmUyh4jS4-rr91xsRGrKcMJPsKQeL1BKm_KKZ6F6co7tuoE2tKBvNAACxD9umjGg-fbZSTC/s1600/salad+time+2.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh577xaBqy2qldEteVY5QbkO7feHO0Xn1imZOiQXUnYqXHxL4D_HMOnSky0sy8c353H8BIPXzmUyh4jS4-rr91xsRGrKcMJPsKQeL1BKm_KKZ6F6co7tuoE2tKBvNAACxD9umjGg-fbZSTC/s400/salad+time+2.png" width="400" /></a></div><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">He held the knife suspended over the magnificent cuke, basking in its phallic splendor. Could he really do it? Could he possibly deface this pure specimen of perfection? And at that, toss it into a salad full of unworthy plebeian-veggies? </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiSPuGNz_IYa-tdUVU-Kpze1RC2N0o3A36zkCaboDjRg0VT62Y0W6PWShQJQ2i0IYgS1hbq1_r36j9fGwZnkg80DfYK_8Z-qUT5rp-dwHMtbo0lsMSVhetBoyxAI9GO46QYkgH65jjrRhrA/s1600/cuke+concerns.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiSPuGNz_IYa-tdUVU-Kpze1RC2N0o3A36zkCaboDjRg0VT62Y0W6PWShQJQ2i0IYgS1hbq1_r36j9fGwZnkg80DfYK_8Z-qUT5rp-dwHMtbo0lsMSVhetBoyxAI9GO46QYkgH65jjrRhrA/s400/cuke+concerns.png" width="400" /></a></div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">He pondered this. It took an immense amount of willpower and strength to battle this decision. But, in the end, the fatherly desire to put dinner on the table won out.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">He touched the knife blade to the cucumber's skin, ever so slightly, and this is, as I understand it, what happened:</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiw-V41B0_M_fTmx5E6C5IRpy6fvLVM6oXohJbPxjYMHsJ2lYyyDZfMvDYzSWVd2bW72ZBez2eZ8zurvBRvUduyQEl-uRVTVe-0noAuVHcRxAiWoSawbf39WY3qph-9Q4dxCrNkXiVaT4kf/s1600/cuke+explosion.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiw-V41B0_M_fTmx5E6C5IRpy6fvLVM6oXohJbPxjYMHsJ2lYyyDZfMvDYzSWVd2bW72ZBez2eZ8zurvBRvUduyQEl-uRVTVe-0noAuVHcRxAiWoSawbf39WY3qph-9Q4dxCrNkXiVaT4kf/s400/cuke+explosion.png" width="400" /></a></div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">The skin parted and the gelatinous contents of the satanic cucumber exploded all over the kitchen, as if under extreme pressure. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgAg79RjYZrv7oep8CZHtbC_KYhORhVcrgyqXbhSJCSEUeptK23w9pm7bB73PWq0B47judhxRm0vRHuY4S3LA7prRFu7RzZRzqlj8Su5vF2aKRgOykRdP_tVr7kW4wDti25yuHL7Wj1MG5g/s1600/cuke+carnage.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgAg79RjYZrv7oep8CZHtbC_KYhORhVcrgyqXbhSJCSEUeptK23w9pm7bB73PWq0B47judhxRm0vRHuY4S3LA7prRFu7RzZRzqlj8Su5vF2aKRgOykRdP_tVr7kW4wDti25yuHL7Wj1MG5g/s400/cuke+carnage.png" width="400" /></a></div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">You may be wondering how there could possibly be so much crap stuffed into one cucumber. The truth is, I have no idea. Also, I remind you that I was not there when it happened and I do sometimes have a tendency to maybe exaggerate. A little.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Now, my mom insists that it never happened, and I suppose I have no way of truly validating the story as a legit horror tale of my childhood. However, one can dream. And I would prefer to think this one is true.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span></div>Shanihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09594553546994038537noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6792905364409685197.post-46324907843487428272011-03-14T17:48:00.000-04:002011-03-14T17:48:49.272-04:00That just fiddles my stick.<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">I have issues. Some of them are bordering on full-fledged OCD, I'm certain. Others are just plain annoying or weird. Ask my mother. She'll tell you. Ask my friends. They'll complain about it. However, most of these issues I am about to discuss have never seen the light of day prior to this post. Sketchy.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">So, I apologize if your glorious image of me in all my godly goodness is very dear to you (as it should be). Because I'm probably about to shatter it. A lot. And smear some poop on it. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiV_AJhV4g76eOHPcbzHWTjkTWj8w2C87_t4CUnnj7ltMRDlrfNB16f7tQiX5jLYEM1qKT7XJ04ViYl-xckKTpdkak7_xITxDAlfnHJnT4y2KvSa0rkLoGRYuL1VYBCOgtJBJ6Vz6_Vdsx2/s1600/simply+me.png" imageanchor="1"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiV_AJhV4g76eOHPcbzHWTjkTWj8w2C87_t4CUnnj7ltMRDlrfNB16f7tQiX5jLYEM1qKT7XJ04ViYl-xckKTpdkak7_xITxDAlfnHJnT4y2KvSa0rkLoGRYuL1VYBCOgtJBJ6Vz6_Vdsx2/s400/simply+me.png" width="400" /></a></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Say bye bye now.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: x-small;"><br />
</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">So, without further ado, I give you: </span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><b>MY ISSUES: VOLUME ONE.</b> </span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><b><br />
</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><b>1.</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">I hate it when I see an unattended, open drawer. HATE. I drives me insane. It feels like there are tiny squid and octopi sucking on my brain with their little suckers, and they won't stop poking and prodding my mind with their nasty tentacles until SOMEONE CLOSES THAT DRAWER. Usually I take it upon myself to complete this task.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg2EJQGJAycmLuZLUs-tm1yWplVP5cq1GG50eskorPoqgVrvFELfjAqmvsqjvKVGQ6HV9yOW3jw3_si7CsK1gvCKebt0LtEol1UoyUG6sp-EkC23tyPGSlYj6GMXvxI74IgJ5Y3kdUwUPYc/s1600/open+drawers.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg2EJQGJAycmLuZLUs-tm1yWplVP5cq1GG50eskorPoqgVrvFELfjAqmvsqjvKVGQ6HV9yOW3jw3_si7CsK1gvCKebt0LtEol1UoyUG6sp-EkC23tyPGSlYj6GMXvxI74IgJ5Y3kdUwUPYc/s400/open+drawers.png" width="400" /></a></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">It happens.</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><b>2.</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">I love shiny objects. Be it a faulty necklace that slipped off some neck or a wrapper from a granola bar, I must stop to stare at it for a moment. If it's the former, I take it. Finders keepers. The wrappers I stare at for longer, hoping it will mystically turn into something shiny but of more value. I stop and stare at it even though I am most definitely blocking up staircase traffic between classes.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjg9pNlRXf52tXnN76N77qk5a9jiJuBCBYaDEQhin85eJLAhrW8B4oYgas_QhHkShrGSMFZY-dJgLyNzgbz3Pfrxk0Rh1Pg4acT-xlOBkY0x2_Joi9Tnr_FeQXnf0rIGhgeBjtt9QnBYNZX/s1600/shiny+things.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjg9pNlRXf52tXnN76N77qk5a9jiJuBCBYaDEQhin85eJLAhrW8B4oYgas_QhHkShrGSMFZY-dJgLyNzgbz3Pfrxk0Rh1Pg4acT-xlOBkY0x2_Joi9Tnr_FeQXnf0rIGhgeBjtt9QnBYNZX/s400/shiny+things.png" width="400" /></a></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">How could I refuse THAT beauty?</span></div></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><b>3.</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">I really like milk. No one understands this but my father. I don't know why. Milk is like juice for your soul. </span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><b>4.</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">I have developed a deep, unconditional hatred for fairies. Maybe my upbringing is party to blame, as my mother loved to fill it with fairy dust and little winged girls clutching berries and flowers.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEidpNxm2u2m7iiQlKkFBrASqxEMdWgvKOjw1-Hgb_Noj8N5kTlF5l9zQC7ZErB7hjvtdKHCNyQ9MPK6svtEYGI8Pwk_ha95TLmq_PQHmOdBxNFdp2kNB8TW3x2R6le6KzVvvHJPD29rTEIN/s1600/childhood.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEidpNxm2u2m7iiQlKkFBrASqxEMdWgvKOjw1-Hgb_Noj8N5kTlF5l9zQC7ZErB7hjvtdKHCNyQ9MPK6svtEYGI8Pwk_ha95TLmq_PQHmOdBxNFdp2kNB8TW3x2R6le6KzVvvHJPD29rTEIN/s400/childhood.png" width="400" /></a></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">And there were mermaids. Lots of mermaids. Also, the redhead is a total ho-bag</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: x-small;">.</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: x-small;"><br />
</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><b>5.</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Somehow, my hair manages to fall out and cover just about everything I own. I suppose this isn't really an issue, since I'm not really to blame. BUT IT'S GROSS.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><b>6.</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Everything has to be perfectly in line in my outfit or I nearly have a breakdown. Shirts not perfectly layered over each other? Jeans loosely hanging over ass and hips because no size fits just right? Hair not perfectly curled around neck and face? SWEET MOTHER OF GOD NOOOOOOOOOOOOO *pounds fists against desk, throws guitar out window*</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><b>7.</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">I am obsessed with locking doors. As soon as I enter the house after school, lock. Lock all other doors. After I let my mom in, lock. After I put the dog outside on his runner to pee, lock. When my mom leaves for a walk down the street, lock. When she runs outside to get something from the car, lock. YOU AIN'T GETTIN' IN THIS HOUSE, YOU SERIAl KILLIN' BITCHES!! WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><b>8.</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">I hate tartar sauce. With a burning passion. If it was alive, I'd kill it all. For that matter, it very well may be sentient and out to destroy us all with its mysterious green and red specks in a suspicious white mess. You think I'm going to soil my seafood with <i>THAT?</i> What a useless, disgusting, putrescent and worthless condiment.</span><br />
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</span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhfGyJI0oqKIfttGeSFbI7CPNpu6XU7EO_O5NNFmF9v5rPxk6cGmmKNf6ZMtH9njHtgc_y4LOoEJTGhrkobQRik2Bet_l9Mt0LNfD9s0I09sOjllwS05wFYCyOA3vMTu1pFt50pDjSxVoOd/s1600/tartar+sauce.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhfGyJI0oqKIfttGeSFbI7CPNpu6XU7EO_O5NNFmF9v5rPxk6cGmmKNf6ZMtH9njHtgc_y4LOoEJTGhrkobQRik2Bet_l9Mt0LNfD9s0I09sOjllwS05wFYCyOA3vMTu1pFt50pDjSxVoOd/s400/tartar+sauce.png" width="400" /></a></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Hats off to you, sir.</span></div></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><b>9.</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><b></b>For all my claiming to not be superstitious, I am deathly afraid of the number thirteen. It scares the living piss out of me. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><b>10.</b></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">I walk really fast. I can't help it. I think it's overcompensation for the fact that my stride is incredibly short. My friends always get mad at me. They're like, "Shaannniii why are you walking so faaaaast???? Sloowwwwww down so I can catch my fat assssssss up to yoooouuuuu."</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Not really though. My friends don't actually talk like that.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span></div></div>Shanihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09594553546994038537noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6792905364409685197.post-60617748557811901702011-03-11T20:06:00.001-05:002011-03-12T20:15:14.888-05:00Homebrewed Horror: Tales of the Hills<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">The woods of rural Massachusetts are full of terror. Gangs of rampant, unfettered turkeys roam where ever their twisted wills take them. Phantom bears and moose stalk the darkness of the forests, striking fear into the hearts of hundreds. Coyotes howl and yip to each other in the hills, after the fruitful discovery of a child's corpse. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">It's madness.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">The only thing that stands between these raging beasts of insanity and the complete and utter destruction of the human race is most likely the hilltown law enforcement:</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span><br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjdxL-AuCn1DC-C1z3CI1RMyLVSTc2_dojF2T_MoSc68jBapOoIu6f2_ENULPHMglwtf7yIJEtdlMGkSVHUEdm3xc2Un5X__qNPbHq65JydYMqQynTXST9JhZNl-7RlYhKrbSjRWdYLORmB/s1600/leverett+law+enforcement.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjdxL-AuCn1DC-C1z3CI1RMyLVSTc2_dojF2T_MoSc68jBapOoIu6f2_ENULPHMglwtf7yIJEtdlMGkSVHUEdm3xc2Un5X__qNPbHq65JydYMqQynTXST9JhZNl-7RlYhKrbSjRWdYLORmB/s400/leverett+law+enforcement.png" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Hilltown police force in its entirety. </span></td></tr>
</tbody></table><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"> </span><br />
<div style="text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Thus, you can understand how terrifying it is to live here when there's nothing between you and the dangers of the wilderness except some guy with an organic chai latte.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">One night, long ago, my dear brother and I were chilling out at the house after a long day of partying. We ventured into the kitchen at some point, probably to eat some of my bro's infamous stick-o-butter grilled cheese sandwiches.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Whatever the case, we were just sitting around, minding our own levels of saturated fat, when suddenly we heard a weird noise.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">It wasn't just strange, or mysterious, or peculiar. </span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">It was <i>eerie</i>.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">It sounded like the offspring of a coyote and a woodpecker who fell deeply in love and made a baby. </span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">My brother, ever curious as a clam, threw down his spatula dramatically and decided to investigate.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Because my brother and father tainted my innocent mind at an early age with tales of aliens, monsters, and Bigfoot, it was only natural that my thoughts turn to the supernaturally horrifying abomination that is...</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">THE CHUPACABRA!!!</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Perhaps thou doth not know about the fabled goat-sucker. To clear things up, it does <b>not</b> look like this:</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhnzFxAzRKlgOPfEH5gjExIQRAQ6eIH3tPc2_tiambgGNIp-8MtKByH0CpRWQGVLC74tDp1LhfVgCKunMapTqbCiqg_k6oNDHLVQ-gTvLBBxjOUZxJ1yZEGWGek6pL8b72IrbCgkNnf40bN/s1600/not+a+chupacabra.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhnzFxAzRKlgOPfEH5gjExIQRAQ6eIH3tPc2_tiambgGNIp-8MtKByH0CpRWQGVLC74tDp1LhfVgCKunMapTqbCiqg_k6oNDHLVQ-gTvLBBxjOUZxJ1yZEGWGek6pL8b72IrbCgkNnf40bN/s400/not+a+chupacabra.png" width="400" /></a></div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">No. What I'm talking about here -- the only thing that could possibly sound like the child of a coyote and a woodpecker -- is more like this:</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjGFvda5Ph9q63u9ZcG8I7Ziqw9-f-a4yElIQHWlTxAUzFxPEvXJxZQcQ5-IUlY9LyOb3cLf8RsmG7RW8MzVoPA5LkGpMtqrarYUMk1Td7LdBAIA2BLXPiA9-9vxAmJChi5GGd8Hq71V9JP/s1600/real+chupacabra.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjGFvda5Ph9q63u9ZcG8I7Ziqw9-f-a4yElIQHWlTxAUzFxPEvXJxZQcQ5-IUlY9LyOb3cLf8RsmG7RW8MzVoPA5LkGpMtqrarYUMk1Td7LdBAIA2BLXPiA9-9vxAmJChi5GGd8Hq71V9JP/s400/real+chupacabra.png" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Yeah, he be suckin' them goats dry.</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">It was then that I realized my brother's life was in danger. I ran to my trusty home utility closet and retrieved my weapon of choice: the cat-hair-caked broom. Then, I rushed to Bro's aid.</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">I found him in the gravel driveway, flailing a flashlight beam back and forth through the moist summer darkness, rake in hand. </span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">The trees loomed on all sides menacingly.</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><b>Me: </b>What is it?</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><b>Bro:</b> Shhh! </span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Just then, a shriek sounded off in the forest. A mere moment later, SOMETHING SCUTTLED across our flashlight's pool of light. SCUTTLED. FAST.</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><b>M</b>e: <b>IT'S THE CHUPACABRA!!!</b></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><b><br />
</b></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><b>Bro: </b>Ahhhhh! </span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">And with that, he charged into the darkness after the beast, brandishing his rake like a mace of death.</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><b>Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!</b></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">That was it. My brother was going to die and I knew it. But what could I do? I mean, this is Chupacabra we're talking about here. </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">I just stood there, clutching onto my hairy broom for dear life. In my small, nine year-old mind, this was Armageddon. This was the end. Of everything.</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Moments passed, punctuated by rustling of bushes and trees. </span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Then my brother returned.</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><b>Me: </b>What was it?</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><b>Bro: </b>I don't know. Must've been a coyote.</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Haha. Ha. Of course. A coyote. That's what it was. Yep. Makes sense.</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">We went back inside to devour some much-deserved sticks of butter with a side of bread and cheese. I felt so giddy and reassured. Of course there was no such thing as the Chupacabra. It was just a stupid story made up by someone who wanted attention <s>like me</s>.</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">...But I swear... As I was ascending the steps of my front porch, I felt a tiny little nagging feeling inside that all kids feel when they're unsure. For some reason, just my brother's word wasn't good enough. I needed to know, for sure, that there wasn't some hideous beast lurking out in the night. </span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">So I looked over my shoulder for a just a second. Just one last glance, to affirm the fact that a gruesome monster wasn't dribbling on my neck, waiting to eat my brains... </span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">I swear to this day... I saw something, but it wasn't a coyote.</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
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</div>Shanihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09594553546994038537noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6792905364409685197.post-1742952535234351492011-03-10T07:42:00.000-05:002011-03-10T07:42:53.766-05:00Frogs<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Back in the old days, before I was introduced to my brother's old Gameboy Color and iPods, I was a good, organic child. I didn't need no stinkin' televisions to have myself a ball. These were simpler times. No flashy electronics were necessary to keep me occupied for hours on end while my poor brother babysat me.</span><br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhmsJU9eCtZ0pn3tKAXku8z4ZzNPa6VwlSARxJvyYlwD3lMArQNspaG8RilfHzsPIReFYFSWieI1ldce2N2tJ8TTvVP8LRj9LZSEXsqHtwx77p7ytiV5TJamG_AXufnWaYW2nXg9G6j9p3S/s1600/me+and+mud.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="316" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhmsJU9eCtZ0pn3tKAXku8z4ZzNPa6VwlSARxJvyYlwD3lMArQNspaG8RilfHzsPIReFYFSWieI1ldce2N2tJ8TTvVP8LRj9LZSEXsqHtwx77p7ytiV5TJamG_AXufnWaYW2nXg9G6j9p3S/s320/me+and+mud.png" width="320" /></a></div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">It was a good life. Down the road, there was a large pond. In the summer, everyone went there to swim, kayak, jump off the cliffs, and eat fattening foods.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">...At least, that's what the sissies did. WE, however, the Shotgun-Wielding Chartiers, if you will, did something of MUCH more significance. WE didn't even take time to look over those sad saps sunbathing on the imported-sand beach.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">WE had fire running through our veins. </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">WE hunted for danger.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">My father, my brother, and I would trek over to the pond with our best game faces on. 20-gallon plastic buckets in hand, we would stride purposefully down the street and up the dirt path to the waterline, and stand there for a moment, mesmerizing all with our awesomeness. </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Then, we would move out with our senses alert, and catch us some frogs. </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Now, I know what you're thinking. <i>Eh, wot? Them frogs, they ain't dangerous, pip. </i>Clearly, you have not sat through <b>New England Frog Analysis 101.</b> And lemme tell ya, this ain't no walk in the park. Here in Massachusetts, this is some serious shit, y'all.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><b>1. Preparation</b></span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">To become a legendary Frog Hunter, one must harness their natural senses and MAKE THEM EPIC.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">You have to be able to taste the swampy air to determine the rankest, moistest locations for stakeouts. </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">You have to be able to hear the heartbeat of potential prey and single out the frogs from the turtles. </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">You must be able to rely on sight to seek out proper positions for surprise attacks on your target.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">You have to be able to smell the sweaty stench of fear when the frog realizes it is being stalked.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">And this, my friends, is the most important of all the five senses: You must be sharply in tune with the textures of nature, because when that sucker dives into the leaf-and-poop-muck at the bottom of the pond, you better be able to tell what's frog and what's not while you're chasing your prey down.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Without the correct amount of training and practice in the heightening of the five senses, missions have the potential to be extremely humiliating and disgraceful.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><b>2.</b> <b>Proper Frog-Gathering Equipment (Just remember: ABCD)</b></span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">A: A stomach of steel. The swamps of 'Chusetts ain't for the faint of heart.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">B: Bucket (read: THE GEAR YOU LIFE DEPENDS ON). What happens when you've successfully extracted a vicious opponent from the water and you don't have anywhere to put it? Well... just don't get caught in that situation. It's not pretty, that's for sure.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">C: Clothes. Don't where your wedding dress or anything.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">D</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">: Dexterity of the gods. Frogs are speedy, slimy bastards.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><b>3. Classification of Frogs</b></span><br />
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<div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">The Spring Peeper</span></div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">As you can see from the masterful image above, this is an amphibian that moves in fast-forward. Quite frankly, I never wasted my time with these. They're wicked fast and ridiculously hard to pin down, they squeak obnoxiously, and they aren't exactly impressive specimens to show off to onlookers.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><b>Difficulty: Intermediate - Expert</b></span><br />
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<div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">The Average Frog</span></div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><b><br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiHL1gfLwRpZdTMsvrR1XFXnysS6bXOi45jOyx4JVQCVonCDEh5FWGGjiKXnrh6AG2gsj59RbN7MpY2DOJ5itYH3303pS9nPqChpAf1U9txs5K2hv7a09StNow9EPOXP8ciqo3uhJuLS9am/s1600/frog3.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="316" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiHL1gfLwRpZdTMsvrR1XFXnysS6bXOi45jOyx4JVQCVonCDEh5FWGGjiKXnrh6AG2gsj59RbN7MpY2DOJ5itYH3303pS9nPqChpAf1U9txs5K2hv7a09StNow9EPOXP8ciqo3uhJuLS9am/s320/frog3.png" width="320" /></a></div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><b><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Most of 'em are like this guy. Not much going on in the ol' noggin, if you catch my drift. Whether you be a seasoned Frog Hunter, or a cautious beginner, these frogs offer enough excitement and variety to keep everyone happily busy.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><b>Difficulty: Novice - Expert</b></span><br />
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<div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">The Bullfrog</span></div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><b><br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhY2muFgCYMeH-x7ttaw5mBJq7CJXeB775TzUyT8SOfjmU7V7COK2eLL1MCUGumeyXBbG9Q_Me9l_hM_Ty-sDbREW1htg2baAMeh6PpS5bEMdBZW0jUhqV1pLb40mQOycA7QA4nu0FlqEoo/s1600/frog2.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhY2muFgCYMeH-x7ttaw5mBJq7CJXeB775TzUyT8SOfjmU7V7COK2eLL1MCUGumeyXBbG9Q_Me9l_hM_Ty-sDbREW1htg2baAMeh6PpS5bEMdBZW0jUhqV1pLb40mQOycA7QA4nu0FlqEoo/s320/frog2.png" width="307" /></a></div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><b><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">If you've honed your skills to a razor-sharpness and you're feelin' saucy, then it may be time to move up to the next level. The distinctive call of the bullfrog is clear and easy to pick out from the rest of the riffraff of the swamp. The capturing of these beasts requires nerves of steel and sheer willpower. Yes, they will fight back. But you can do this. Even if it takes an entire afternoon of observing and a swim through the muck.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><b>Difficulty: Expert</b></span><br />
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<div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Jeter the Devil</span></div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><b><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">This is where shit gets serious. This is the frog that eats other frogs. This is the frog that eats live birds. Yes, he is sitting in a pool of blood. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><b>Difficulty: No.</b></span><br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div>Shanihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09594553546994038537noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6792905364409685197.post-43481089953244002172011-03-09T18:05:00.001-05:002011-03-09T18:06:37.187-05:00The Birds and the Bees<div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">It was the spring of my fifth grade year when my mother decided that the best way to teach her daughter about the birds and the bees was to let me watch our cats Ritzy and Bones try to get our cat Maya pregnant. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Have you ever stopped to think about how exciting it is to watch a female cat in heat? Same here! Isn’t it mesmerizing, how they stick their asses in the air and growl amorously? Despite the fact that was wildly romantic to witness cats straddling each other while screeching and growling, I had to question my mother’s resolve. Was this what love was like? If it was, there was no way I was giving her grandchildren. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">In the end, it was our strapping young stud, Bones, who got the job done. Or at least that’s my decisive conclusion. Bones was gray. The kittens came out gray. That’s evidence enough for me.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Ritzy was our overweight orange tabby and brother to Bones, and a fine gentleman at that. One of those lazy types, that pick up all the Lyme disease-ridden deer ticks as they roll around, carefree, in the piles of leaves in the woods. And he smelled too. But that’s beside the point. All in all, Ritzy was a good cat, if a little too uncoordinated to, let’s say, “get it in.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">The pregnancy of Maya “Bengal” Chartier was rather uneventful. I wasn’t sure what was so great about a needy, fat female cat waddling around the house. She’s still like that, only minus the tiny feline fetuses. Anyway, near the end of May that year, Maya started following us around all day, meowing constantly, “IMMA CARRYIN BABIES BITCH FEED ME LOVE ME PET MY HEAD OR IMMA GONNA BREAK MY WATER ON YOUR FAVORITE CHAIR.” </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">She kept true to her word and went into labor all over my nice reading spot. How was I to know that even happened with cats? Do they menstruate? I don’t think they make tampons for cats. So why does their water break when they go into labor? </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Whatever the case, my mom and I moved our clingy, convulsing cat into a cozy little cardboard box in the closet. Did I really just use that frightening amount of alliteration in one sentence? I think I just shuddered in horror more than a cat going through labor contractions. We watched Maya circle around on the towel, soiling it with her feline pregnancy juices. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">It was magical.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">The first kitten out of Maya’s mystical portal of life was punctuated by a loud crack of thunder. I’m not joshing you here. The heavens parted and greeted the kitten’s arrival on Earth with a mighty bolt of Zeus’s lightning. Ask my mom. It happened.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">As mystifying and marvelous as our makeshift delivery room was, I soon tired of the tiny, slimy, wet blobs of cat rolling around on the towel. My mother and I figured that if a cat in the wild could handle giving birth alone, so could Maya. So we went to bed.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">The next day we had five new adorable kittens. After whining to my mom endlessly, we kept one. His full name is “Chocolate Thunder Mousse Chartier.” My mother and I tirelessly raised the rest of the kittens too, until my mother was satisfied that I had learned enough from the experience. And so the kittens were sent their separate ways, into the unknown.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Soon after, Bones ran away. But that’s just fathers for you</span>. <br />
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</div>Shanihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09594553546994038537noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6792905364409685197.post-15473137217301274002011-03-07T16:44:00.001-05:002011-03-07T17:03:29.674-05:00The Sentinel Lady<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">It's a dark, stormy night. The wind howls. The trees tremble. The thunder rumbles and shakes the Earth to its core. The darkness closes in, all around, devouring any speck of light left in this desolate place.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">And she's there. You can see her. In this mass of horror and woe, that one pair of beady eyes is all you can make out in the grim darkness. Though the foreboding and pernicious night, perched on her reading chair, purring evil angora cat in lap, tea steaming suspiciously on the table, she waits....</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">And she watches. </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">I was twelve years old. Thirteen, maybe. My family lived in a peaceful house in the middle of the woods. In the backyard, there was a path into the forest. You could walk through the gently rustling trees and see all the pretty squirrels. You could close your eyes and listen to a symphony of birds chirping. A chipmunk would skitter by. The mountain laurel would swish quietly in the breeze. A pretty doe and her new little fawn would stroll by, nibbling shoots and leaves. </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">All was calm and all was beautiful...</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Then <b>she </b>came. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Like a gigantic, vile cloud of smog and poodle hairs, she descended on our peaceful existence and began to construct her evil lair about 100 feet away from our dear little homestead. My mother and I could only sit and watch with horror as our benevolent backyard scene was turned into a horrifying nightmare.</span><br />
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</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">At the end of the summer the shack was done. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">It was shaped like a mushroom. It sat right smack in the middle of my old fantastical fairyland of forest. No more twittering birds or swishing mountain laurels. No more magic. </span><br />
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</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">And it had big picture windows that faced our house. *Shudders*</span><br />
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</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Sometimes, as I walk down the stairs in the dim light of the pre-dawn, I look over across the way before I can stop myself. And there she will be, head bent over a steaming mug of tea and something suspicious on the table.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Sometimes, she's not even there. But I can <b>feel</b> her lurking. I know she's somewhere deep within the bowels of her lair, cackling and brewing yellow-spotted salamanders and feline tumors in a boiling cauldron of chicken broth and used tampons whilst picking at her hairy moles.</span><br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg-Kcvg1XunVROGOFbLpRFzt35rJ32gJqbfzWqC1gTenR9chu-9-HCjlS9wXM429vf8tFaAPPUHP0kqChxlTPmC75nWscR50El9vQFHCzMksG_0oEn-kNOPUlbGukjETjjDciLuszdYCh64/s1600/sentinel.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg-Kcvg1XunVROGOFbLpRFzt35rJ32gJqbfzWqC1gTenR9chu-9-HCjlS9wXM429vf8tFaAPPUHP0kqChxlTPmC75nWscR50El9vQFHCzMksG_0oEn-kNOPUlbGukjETjjDciLuszdYCh64/s400/sentinel.png" width="400" /></a></div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">At least that's the impression that I get. And I can feel this one in my bones.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Frequently, when I chance a glance at her window to make sure she's not spying on me through a scope of a sniper rifle, I lock eyes with her evil white cat sitting on the sill. The heinous thing just stares at me with malevolent intent burning deep within its dark, soulless eyes.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Then there's the hellhound that lives outside the house. When the Sentinel doesn't have her young, attractive male slaves running around the exterior of the house raking up her leaves and doing her cougarish bidding, that demon dog is out on the watch. It barks at me when I walk down the street to get to the bus stop. I know it would love to eat my pretty little face right off if only it wasn't tied to a tree with a heavy steel chain.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">With the known dangers of living in such close quarters with a witch, there also comes the unknown. Does my neck hurt because she was whacking my voodoo doll with a soup ladle last night? Did my cat really get eaten by a coyote or was he barbecued alive in her basement? Can she see me picking my nose in my underwear if I sit on the couch right here? </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">There's a distinct possibility that she picks through our trash. Or maybe it's just raccoons. </span><br />
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</span>Shanihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09594553546994038537noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6792905364409685197.post-61902616506166590652011-03-04T15:22:00.000-05:002011-03-04T15:23:35.840-05:00Whose stupid idea was this?<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Whenever a strange, unfamiliar car or bicycle or pedestrian creeps up the driveway and my dog starts going nuts, I usually make the mistake of walking into the kitchen to unlock the front door, thinking it’s my mom getting home from work. At this point, it is usually too late. I have French doors, which are almost entirely made of glass. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">I once informed my father of the seemingly obvious pointlessness of a glass door. I was distressed by the safety issues attached to our fragile, breakable portal to the outside world: </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><b>Me</b>: “But Dad, it would be so easy to break a glass door. A murderer could come right in and kill us!”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><b>My dad: </b>“Well at least you would see him coming.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">My parents say such reassuring things. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Anyway, that point relates back to the point I just was distracted from: it’s a bloody clear door. So that random creepy FedEx man/charity collector/unwanted neighbor/religious person/police officer/murderer who happens up my driveway can see that I’m suspiciously watching them from my kitchen, and knows there’s someone home even after I flee upstairs.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">You see, I am terribly socially awkward. I don’t have any mental disabilities or anything like that... At least not that I know of... but I am not so good with conversation. I don’t like talking on the phone. I don’t even like calling my friends on the phone. I’m deathly afraid of that awkward moment when you realize you don’t want to be on the phone any longer, and you’re both just like “Yup...yup...yup...okay bye. Bye. Bye.” Or is that just me? Am I the only person damned to phone-phobia? </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Can you imagine my paralyzing discomfort when facing a potential face-to-face interaction with an actual, in-the-flesh stranger who could possibly be out to rape me and my cats then sell us to slavery? And all because my stupid door decided it wanted to be completely transparent. I bet it thought it was real cool and all that. “Oh, look at me in all my glory! Just kidding, you can’t, because I’m totally composed of invisible glass.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">By the time I escape from my foreign trespassers by ducking behind my counter and crawling on hands and knees to my stairs to stay out of their line of vision, I am already feeling the shame of what I have just done. I can feel the eyes burning critical holes through my house, and I know they know I’m in there, avoiding them. I can feel the judgment seeping through the ventilation ducts, the floorboards, and the plumbing. I <i>know </i>they’re standing out there, feeling rejected, all because I don’t know how to talk like a normal person. I practically start hearing their thoughts: </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><i><br />
</i></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><i>I see how it is.</i> <i>Another douchebag who won’t donate to support breast cancer patients...</i></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><i><br />
</i></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><i>Well she looks suspicious. I better add her to the suspect list...</i></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><i><br />
</i></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><i>So good of you to thank me for tirelessly delivering your useless packages every month. Skank...<o:p></o:p></i></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><i><br />
</i></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal;"><i>I love living next door to you! Why won’t you love me?!</i></span></i></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">The burning embarrassment of the incident often almost drives me back downstairs to right my magnanimous wrong, but then I remember that they could all be axe murderers. I figure that it’s just safer to wait for them to leave. I keep clutching onto my trusty machete until I’m sure they’re not going to turn around and bust through the French doors because of their hatred of lazy delinquents like me and arrogant windows that pretend to be doors.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">I should just probably hang a sign that says “Trespassers will be shot on sight” to avoid future mishaps. Although... that seems a little too tame to get the job done. I have very persistent neighbors. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">AHA!</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">"Trespassers will be ravaged, maimed, mutilated and sold into slavery along with their cats."</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">That'll hit 'em where it hurts. The old ladies of Leverett are tight with their cats.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><b><br />
</b></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><b><br />
</b></span></div>Shanihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09594553546994038537noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6792905364409685197.post-25666499559655350322011-02-26T16:32:00.002-05:002011-03-14T18:06:44.489-04:00Family Tree<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">I thought that maybe I should take the time to introduce you to some of the people that make my life go 'round.</span><br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj4Pio6ixuJBmolbo7oer6dP4YJIq_irceaoGBDP-kjZ9TmFrT9hnc6F-0QYr08Iild9AKbDE4TgnGnPD_VqvImvcDZ9_LBihohXKr_AE2ly2ebkWuiVONJeUJt3pHrlX5tOA0i2PE0QQpg/s1600/me.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="274" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj4Pio6ixuJBmolbo7oer6dP4YJIq_irceaoGBDP-kjZ9TmFrT9hnc6F-0QYr08Iild9AKbDE4TgnGnPD_VqvImvcDZ9_LBihohXKr_AE2ly2ebkWuiVONJeUJt3pHrlX5tOA0i2PE0QQpg/s320/me.png" width="320" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj4Pio6ixuJBmolbo7oer6dP4YJIq_irceaoGBDP-kjZ9TmFrT9hnc6F-0QYr08Iild9AKbDE4TgnGnPD_VqvImvcDZ9_LBihohXKr_AE2ly2ebkWuiVONJeUJt3pHrlX5tOA0i2PE0QQpg/s1600/me.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">I know, I know. I'm pretty darn classy. I took a few liberties with this drawing (i.e., the red hair, the waist size).</span></div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj_KSF_9Suo6LUwx7skzOVEN422a3nc1xHJYjN9OGeB7fSd7p0l-X3Kq-1mBxVHo8GFqQmvE7dV3Tq1CqcE7Y1nkvgOH7W6eXFEcBsBxzwLiiz1XkTu2asSAn0oLt8NQIui68Oo6J1zx0md/s1600/mom.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="274" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj_KSF_9Suo6LUwx7skzOVEN422a3nc1xHJYjN9OGeB7fSd7p0l-X3Kq-1mBxVHo8GFqQmvE7dV3Tq1CqcE7Y1nkvgOH7W6eXFEcBsBxzwLiiz1XkTu2asSAn0oLt8NQIui68Oo6J1zx0md/s320/mom.png" width="320" /></a></div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><b><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">That smile... That gorgeous hair... It could only be one person in the world... I mean, just look at those loving eyes!</span><br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg0dpRE-hjQ8_V3vwwiedCwUAXzk-HCl7RnoIidkvox4g1gCXXQtm2EzzwoVbbd1UGbWhIBlfazVb5c2mlOnWA18_stZ994YUS3eTa9O9b1rIFZUi_lru4ai7bSHQhFGemUHYtvVcPy_dNO/s1600/dad.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="274" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg0dpRE-hjQ8_V3vwwiedCwUAXzk-HCl7RnoIidkvox4g1gCXXQtm2EzzwoVbbd1UGbWhIBlfazVb5c2mlOnWA18_stZ994YUS3eTa9O9b1rIFZUi_lru4ai7bSHQhFGemUHYtvVcPy_dNO/s320/dad.png" width="320" /></a></div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Now you know where I get my good looks. And my fat carpenter fingers. Notice the hipsterly hip, backwards hat. He also occasionally lapses into only half-intentional gangster lingo. At times like that, I don't know whether to laugh or cry and then shoot him with a shotgun.</span><br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEggnmM4VQFQx_TDnHfEaCyN3ve263fXH87JrW_WKIGxSxejHrv95abaHvroNXpv2pFgRyfCOplXN2JNguQuHtakuBeblkZEbZZaYk-xYC_q_ruSu54RnLubbtL0Eh8irbMoCt898jHDe6AP/s1600/jake.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="274" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEggnmM4VQFQx_TDnHfEaCyN3ve263fXH87JrW_WKIGxSxejHrv95abaHvroNXpv2pFgRyfCOplXN2JNguQuHtakuBeblkZEbZZaYk-xYC_q_ruSu54RnLubbtL0Eh8irbMoCt898jHDe6AP/s320/jake.png" width="320" /></a></div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Armed with a Whopper in one hand and an alcoholic beverage in the other, there's no stopping this kid.</span><br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiCQpnS8LnANn5g_OGpH1XKKssIK3vp0183tj4yxeSYWw44WvXt7F7rzo7wZbCoYXSsfsyGFr12OMkkngKevthMsefFG4exaL8ynjRE1ukDRYQgTCN27LudUPwArjyPnqndA_N5jX_1Gxuq/s1600/katie.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="274" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiCQpnS8LnANn5g_OGpH1XKKssIK3vp0183tj4yxeSYWw44WvXt7F7rzo7wZbCoYXSsfsyGFr12OMkkngKevthMsefFG4exaL8ynjRE1ukDRYQgTCN27LudUPwArjyPnqndA_N5jX_1Gxuq/s320/katie.png" width="320" /></a></div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">I met her when I was six, after my dad almost hit her in his truck while she was rollerskating down the road. My bestie bestest friend 'til I'm old and gray. Giving workers trouble in the nursing homes, we will be.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Another one of my closest girlfriends. She has a much better fashion sense than me. She's basically a stick figure with a stomach, like in the picture above but a lot more attractive.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">One of my obligatory Asian friends, so no one can call me racist. He constantly acts like he's on crack. Or how I imagine one would act on crack. I wouldn't know. I'm a good egg.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Obligatory Asian friend #2. She's obsessed with pants. And pineapples. And wombats. But that's understandable.</span><br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhQnVytwt4k5DRvpqWzKz96Wr9H9R2iWjfeyM7nWcfMtvbIU9TvaLh1fqwbHXa3M_iVkCFgPHsOoP8FS2cLSlg8FUqFm3BFKMIsz1DiSTfgha62iZxZ0QshDIBtFHhddijqa8j9cmoMSpmi/s1600/steven.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="274" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhQnVytwt4k5DRvpqWzKz96Wr9H9R2iWjfeyM7nWcfMtvbIU9TvaLh1fqwbHXa3M_iVkCFgPHsOoP8FS2cLSlg8FUqFm3BFKMIsz1DiSTfgha62iZxZ0QshDIBtFHhddijqa8j9cmoMSpmi/s320/steven.png" width="320" /></a></div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">He claims to be of Asian heritage. But I think he might be faking it to earn some right to be a ninja.</span><br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjZEAeLTI9wP-btGP4rqzJRS30aR6XpvzP44Oym1oIiZGkb3AfrBhKSxNJPUbXmfh53WGqYjsZXEbBR2csAfR9hH2qo2s-Xmw_AwFZNMr8_XQM_V1ckGudF9AA_IZBRZeo5Pz-MHVFNN9rS/s1600/reggie.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="274" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjZEAeLTI9wP-btGP4rqzJRS30aR6XpvzP44Oym1oIiZGkb3AfrBhKSxNJPUbXmfh53WGqYjsZXEbBR2csAfR9hH2qo2s-Xmw_AwFZNMr8_XQM_V1ckGudF9AA_IZBRZeo5Pz-MHVFNN9rS/s320/reggie.png" width="320" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">The coolest dog on the block. He puts up with my baddancing, even partakes, and thinks cows are really scary, even though he looks like one. And I don't think he ever pooped on our nice carpet! Just barf. Lots and lots of beautiful barf. </span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiYVCmeH05uIkqvi98VEF17g3iz6xv0Dt6UJcasHglTKiXxhSRUO-rBAqDKLeBotqgIozmBZi5kQ4ZnatDeox2s82tMN6AGYhBWXK-Aa_BzqAgqXV2dWt2PGgxg7V2wFDMOsZ6hO73ySkXb/s1600/maya.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="274" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiYVCmeH05uIkqvi98VEF17g3iz6xv0Dt6UJcasHglTKiXxhSRUO-rBAqDKLeBotqgIozmBZi5kQ4ZnatDeox2s82tMN6AGYhBWXK-Aa_BzqAgqXV2dWt2PGgxg7V2wFDMOsZ6hO73ySkXb/s320/maya.png" width="320" /></a></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Our resident fat queen cat. Okay, so she's not </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><i>that </i></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">fat. But she looks and acts like a 500 pound raccoon. She eats and sleeps all day. She sits on us and makes us carry her around like a baby. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Therefore, she is fat.</span></div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi5RIw6iBiTclGQrUR4Ixj_ov9uibmbjAH4ujntIOimy4GPie56G9qY0ijbXmkD5g0XSElA5qZPzHABosoEUo8QrPtds0y37fXwkJDXwsIRVZxXPaAv83eyhVIOy6QFEXsFuR_psDDEX9VW/s1600/mousse.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="274" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi5RIw6iBiTclGQrUR4Ixj_ov9uibmbjAH4ujntIOimy4GPie56G9qY0ijbXmkD5g0XSElA5qZPzHABosoEUo8QrPtds0y37fXwkJDXwsIRVZxXPaAv83eyhVIOy6QFEXsFuR_psDDEX9VW/s320/mousse.png" width="320" /></a></div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">My bestest friend and/or little brother. He was sitting behind me on the couch, looking over my shoulder as I drew this.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><b>Mousse: </b>Stop making me look like a dumbass.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><b>Me: </b>Well stop acting like a dumbass.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><b>Mousse: </b>How exactly am I acting like a dumbass?</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><b>Me: </b>BY NOT MAKING ME A SANDWICH. GET IN THE KITCHEN BITCH.</span><br />
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</span>Shanihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09594553546994038537noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6792905364409685197.post-79559758348917698172011-02-25T11:19:00.000-05:002011-02-25T11:19:17.692-05:00NYC, I love thee<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">New York City. Capital of the Empire State. The city where dreams are made. Until yesterday, I'd never been there. Well, except for passing through the Bronx in a van packed with eleven other people on our way to the Rally to Restore Sanity in D.C. But that doesn't count.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">My dad was driving down to see his sister, my long-lost aunt whom I hadn't seen since age five. She's an artiste, and had an art showing on a seedy, dirty street near the Hudson River. I don't know. I'm not really into that kind of stuff.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">We live a few hours away, so I saw the trip as an opportunity for adventure, excitement, procrastination, and a whole lot of eating empty calories like the fatass I know I secretly am.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Plus, I knew I would get to laugh at a ton of weird people.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Haha.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Anyway, we breezed down the highway to the city in a blaze of awesomeness, our father-daughter dream team astounding the onlookers. I made funny faces at the drivers of adjacent cars during traffic blockage. It was great. Of course, until I started laughing so hard at their reactions that I began snorting and spraying milk all over my father and his beautiful truck (Yes. I drink milk on road trips. Not to impress you, or anything...)</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">The whole ride to the city was a lot like the paragraph above, so I won't bother repeating myself. But as for the rest of this entry, I shall cut it up into small, digestible pieces and puree them in a blender so you won't hurt your delicate teeth. And by that I mean this post is going to be of UNGODLY PROPORTIONS.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">We arrived in New York City! Poof! WAHAHAHAHA!</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><b>1.</b></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">So first, I encountered a man on the subway, holding a bouquet of pretty flowers. He was looking at them meaningfully and repeatedly muttering, "Do I LOOK okay? Are YOU okay?" Then he got off the train.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><b>2.</b></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">My father and I meandered around the streets looking for some thugs to rough up. We got bored of that and decided we were hungry. We ran into a place called Burger Stack... or maybe it was Stack Hut, or Stackdog... or whatever. </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">We ordered our "Bird Dogs," which were sausages in a bun that were supposed to come with delicious apple slices. They ripped us off, though, clearly recognizing that we were Massachusetts country hicks, and withheld their apple slices. Those bastards.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">I don't know. The sausages were really rubbery and mine had gross gristle in it, so I'm guessing that no amount of apple slices would've made them any better.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">It wasn't all for naught, at least. I did see someone in line that bore a startling resemblance to one of my heroes, Nils Lofgren. If you don't know who he is, go <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nils_Lofgren">here</a> and be enlightened. You should become well-acquainted with this man, as I will probably be frequently mentioning him in the future. </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Anyway, me being my creepy, nosy self, I went over to get a closer look just to make sure I wasn't missing out on my favorite human being buying a burger. I sidled up next to him and promptly began to inspect the packets of mayonnaise, trying to look casual and nonchalant. It was clearly the wrong move, seeing as selecting mayonnaise for a sausage is serious and suspicious business. </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">He gave me a weird look, and I smiled then went back to examining and analyzing the ketchups and mustard dispensers.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Nope. Nils is a lot more attractive than this dude.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><b>3.</b></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">My dad was all like, "Can we please go up the Empire State Building? Please? Can we? Can we? Please please please pretty please with a cherry on top???"</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">He sometimes gets really excited about things.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">I said yes.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">We managed to drag ourselves to the majestic building, after asking for directions from many locals who were obviously judging us for our status as country hicks who don't know how to find the Empire State Building.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">And I tell you, that place is CLASSY. And really really big. Almost unnecessarily big. There is a ton of empty, classy space in there. And about 500 floors. Wowee. We (My dad) paid our (his) hard-earned $42 for tickets and went to the 86th floor via elevators that travel faster than a speeding cheetah.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Dear Father was bubbling nostalgically about how he hadn't been up there since he was a kid, and how you could see the Something-Something Bridge, and Something City across the Something River. And about how his dumbass friend once threw a paper airplane attached to a nickel off the top.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Fun stuff. The view was wicked, and I even got to see the Statue of Liberty from up there. But let me tell you: BIGGEST DISAPPOINTMENT OF MY LIFE. I always pictured the Lady Liberty as this massive behemoth of ungodly proportions, towering over the entire state of New York with her mind-blowing girth of flowing green robes. </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Don't blame me. Blame the media.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">My dad pointed to a tiny blip of a building from the observatory. </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><b>Dad: </b>See? There's the Statue of Liberty.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><b>Me: </b>What, that there? You're kidding. Haha...</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><b>Dad: </b>...No, really, that's it.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><b>Me: </b>*dramatic stare into the distance* Wha... *Double take* THAT'S THE STATUE OF LIBERTY? THAT MERE SPECK? THAT <i>TODDLER</i>?</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><b>Dad: </b>What do you mean?</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><b>Me: </b>It's... so small...</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><b>Dad: </b>Of course it's small! How would you expect the French to move a thousand foot statue across the Atlantic? They had to get it here somehow! You see...</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Ah. Logic. The preferred weapon of my Gemini father. This has permanently marred my childhood dreams of grandeur with failure. Pffft. Statue of Liberty... 305 feet tall... what a sappy loser of a monument. Pfft.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><b>4.</b></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">We still had some time to kill before my estranged aunt arrived at her gallery, so we hit the streets looking for a bank to rob. However, we couldn't find one with challenging enough security, so we decided to start shopping instead.</span><br />
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</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">We ambled into a gift shop, to peruse the sophisticated wares. I wasn't planning on buying anything. Must have been some of my Red Sox pride leaking through. Also, I didn't have any need for a model police car or a keychain with my name on it. The latter doesn't even exist.</span><br />
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</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">There was a mystical doorway in the back of the store that led to something downstairs. It looked magical. The stairs were all creaky and they brought us to a wonderful bronze sculpture and crystal chandelier emporium. The crispy old guy selling the stuff promptly began following us <i>very </i>closely around the shop.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><b>Crisp: </b>*Breathing down my neck* See anything ya like?</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><b>Dad: </b>Thanks, we're just looking.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><b>Crisp: </b>*Breathing down my dad's neck* Everything's 75% off.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><b>Dad: </b>Thanks.</span><br />
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</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">I think the cheapest thing there was $20,000. And even if we had wanted to purchase one of the mammoth bronze hawks in flight, how would we possibly move it up that narrow, creepy staircase?</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">The crispy guy kept following us at arms' length, repeatedly asking us if "Anythin' was catchin' our eyes." He seemed almost suspicious.</span><br />
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</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">What did he think we were going to do? Just stick one of his bronze statues in a pocket while he wasn't looking and walk out with it? </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">AND</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"> he followed us up the stairs as we left. Just to see us off, I guess.</span><br />
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</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Also, we met a vulture-ish guy with an accent in some hat shop. I really didn't need a snobby hat with a six-foot brim and plumes of feathers springing off of it, but it looked interesting to gawk at. The dude in there kept trying to reel us in with bargain prices, but I was getting kind of creeped out. Plus, a rack of matching hats and suits was blocking my view of the outside world, and I couldn't be sure that this shop wasn't a front for the mafia. The hat-selling mafia.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><b>5.</b></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Am I rambling yet?</span><br />
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</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">We went to the art gallery, blah blah blah. I met my alienated aunt from Seattle, blah blah blah. Then we hit the road back home and my dad explained what a Rodeo Burger was. </span><br />
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</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">I really need to quit muttering about my wondrous trip to New York City, because I just developed an extreme desire to warm my ass by the pellet stove. Thanks for listening.</span><br />
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</span>Shanihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09594553546994038537noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6792905364409685197.post-6896159730662753962011-02-23T13:18:00.000-05:002011-02-25T13:36:27.245-05:00I'm notoriously good at having a good time.<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">I wish I could be some sort of productive during my week off from <s>the prison of hell</s> high school. I mean, I still have an essay about the Holocaust to write, a massive lab report to edit and "polish," and an ingenious play to come up with. </span><br />
<div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">On the first day of vacation, I was all: Yes! I have a week off! I am going to get SO much done! But first, I recharge energy.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Saturday: Woo hoo! This is awesome! I'm sleepin' in and sitting on the couch all day, LIKE A BOSS!</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Sunday: Sweet. Tomorrow's not going to suck like it usually does!</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Monday: Relaxin', yeah! I should probably do some work while I'm at it... But NAR! I have a whole week! WAHAHAHAHAHA</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Tuesday: Hmm. I really should work on that stuff now... seeing as I'm going up north to see the folks this Friday.... Oh well. I do some of my best work under pressure. Sort of.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">And now it's Wednesday. Or is it Thursday? Shit. I should get on that essay. But it's still early... maybe I'll work on it later.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">And so on.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Problem is, I just can't seem to get into a motivated, up-and-at-'em kind of mindset. That's always the trouble. Why can't every human mind be programmed to be all like, "Work rocks and I love it and I want to do it all day"?</span><br />
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</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">I meant to do something productive yesterday. I was going to get up at 7:45 in the morning and everything. I was going to eat some fruit and yogurt for breakfast, put on some real clothes, walk the dog, and sit down and plunk out an award-winning Holocaust essay. Then I was going to do push-ups and wall-sits for an hour to get the ol' muscles workin'. Then, I was going to volunteer at the Soup Kitchen and donate to some orphanages. Really. I had it all planned out.</span><br />
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</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">It didn't work out like that, though. I got up at 7:45... for about two seconds... then I opened my eyes again and it was 9:45. Not my fault! It's a conspiracy against me!!</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"> </span><br />
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</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">I sort of put on some real clothes. A tank top and pajama bottoms is getting close, right? I thought about all the wonderful, heart-healthy things I could eat for breaky. I just decided on a granola bar of some kind from the back of the pantry. We don't stock edible cereal or anything in this household. Just dirt and twigs and stale, whole grain ant colonies in boxes in the cabinet. I told Sir Reginald I'd walk him later.</span><br />
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</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">I made some killer cookies that tasted like butterscotch and heaven. My mom had bought this bucket of cookie mix about two months ago from some little kids holding a fundraiser for dying puppies, orphans, and amputees. Or something along those lines. I guess she felt guilty. Anyway, I finally made them and they tasted just like the joy of saving a orphaned malnourished puppy with two legs.</span><br />
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</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">I decided I must kill some time and watched 80s music videos on VH1 Classic (BEST CHANNEL EVER) for a while. I secretly wished I could muster up the inner strength needed to whip out a Word document and rustle up some good old fashioned Holocaust insights. But to no avail. I was too busy being seduced by the gravity-defying hair and innovative wardrobes of the 1980s.</span><br />
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</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">I soon tired of the music videos, however. I was waiting to see my old standbys ("Sledgehammer" by Peter Gabriel, "Word Up" by Cameo, "Whip It" by Devo, etc.) However, they were no where to be found. So I decided to find something else useful to occupy my time with.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">I thought about it. This is a perfect day to waste all of my time and not write about the Holocaust. I might as well take advantage of it. What is my favorite thing to do when I am alone at the house? </span><br />
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</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">AHA!</span><br />
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</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">I SHALL WATCH OLD BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN CONCERTS!</span><br />
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</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">My obsession with this musician often wins on boring home-bound days. I have my mother to thank for that, and all her rock and roll brainwashing. You must understand that the event of simply watching a concert becomes much more than that to me. It becomes a special occasion. A massive undertaking. Try not to judge me for it. I'm sensitive. </span><br />
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</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Stop it. I can just <i>feel</i> you judging me.</span><br />
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</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">In any case, the first big question is which concert to watch. I picked out one from the 80s (Yes I have a large collection of concerts spanning his career). Stay with the general flow of things today.</span><br />
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</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Then, I had to change into appropriate Bruce-watching attire (Stop with the judging). This all depends on who I want to pretend to be. Should I dress like an obsessed fan? Naw. Too easy. </span><br />
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</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Yup. I could sport my blue jeans and a white tank top, throw a bandanna around my head and pretend to be Bruce himself. But I've done that one before. Or I could go with one of my head scarves and pretend to be Stevie the guitarist. Or I could just tie scarves and bandannas all over myself and pretend to be Nils, the other guitarist. My hero!</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Hell yeah!</span><br />
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</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Then I've got myself a battle plan, and I watch my concert, dancing and playing air guitar like nobody's business. I sing too. Sometimes I even sing a harmony, but I think those sound better in my head than they do out loud. But it doesn't matter that I don't actually own an electric guitar, have never written a song in my life, and that I am not actually the person I'm pretending to be. In my head, at that moment, I couldn't be freer. </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">I AM A ROCK STAR.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Of course, across the woodsy clearing in her little mushroom-shaped hut, the Sentinel Lady watches me through her big picture window with calculating eyes, probably wondering if I've finally gotten into my mom's expensive tequila that's "hidden" in the pantry.</span><br />
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</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><i>IT'S CALLED FUN, WOMAN.</i> </span><br />
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</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">It's okay, though. I don't let things like that get in my way of a good time.</span><br />
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</span></div><div></div>Shanihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09594553546994038537noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6792905364409685197.post-46697660478579270122011-02-22T19:00:00.000-05:002011-02-22T22:02:07.599-05:00I know I'm a failure.<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Oh, how I wish I could figure out how to successfully blog. As my Web Design teacher might say, "[Blogging] is a sea one could swim in forever without reaching the shore." Sniffle. What a poet.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Of course, these words of wisdom are coming from the creepy, questionable man who teaches very small classes in a sinister, dark classroom located in a suspiciously isolated corner of my high school just far enough away down the hall so that no one will hear your screams. </span><br />
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</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">AHAHA JUST JOKING. AHAHAAHAHA. </span><br />
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</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: x-small;">But not really. If I ever find myself in that corner of the school alone, I walk a little faster.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: x-small;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">So anyway. The pointlessness of posting things on this blog is increasing with exponential dejected sadness. After a brief hiatus due to <s>watching old music videos and getting fat eating cookies alone</s> my raging social life, I came back to this page thinking, <i>Ooh, ooh, it's been a few weeks, my blog must be famous by now!</i></span><br />
<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span></i><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Not quite. My blog sidebar bitchslapped me with a "There are no followers yet. Be the first!"</span><br />
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</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">My confidence crumbled. I had started out so strong, so sure. I was certain I was going to become a superstar of blog. No followers? There must be some mistake! No one following <i>me</i>? And yet there it was. The truth was looming over me and blocking out my sun of hope and dreams. Where was I now? In my soul was burning a mere iota of my former poise and glory. No followers. I am finished.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">So it had come to this. It embarrassed me to no end that I was failing at blog-writing. ME? THE ACCLAIMED STAR BOOK REPORT WRITER OF LEVERETT ELEMENTARY SCHOOL, SIX-TIME WINNER OF THE TEACHER'S PET AWARD, DUKE OF ALL THAT IS REMOTELY LITERARY?</span><br />
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</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">No. It couldn't be. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">But it was.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">And it is.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">How can I come to terms with this? As of today, I am still the single solitary reader of this blog. My mom won't even read it. My friends won't even read it. What a failure I am. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">...At least those damn teachers seem to like me.</span><br />
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</span>Shanihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09594553546994038537noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6792905364409685197.post-46455969751533797252011-02-08T21:39:00.000-05:002011-02-22T19:13:20.021-05:00Totem Animal<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">First things first. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">I can't go on with this account of my life until we get one thing straight. This is something vital to the understanding of me as a person, crucial to the acceptance of my opinions, and generally essential to know before we interact in any way.</span><br />
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</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">My totem animal is the moose. </span><br />
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</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Well... that's probably not a legit totem animal, because it seems to me like one should go through some sort of spiritual ritual to discover their totem thing. However, since I am clearly the self-appointed Master of the Universe, I reserve the right to assign my own totem animal. And if I want the moose as my totem animal, I'm going to damn well have the moose as my totem animal.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">I guess what that really boils down to is my unnecessary obsession with the largest member of the deer family. I can't recall exactly how I got to the point where my bed has a steadily increasing pile of stuffed moose in one corner, or how I dragged a $35 iron winged moose doorstop home, or how my claim to fame in my traumatic eighth grade year was a stupid doodled moose.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">The weird part is, I have this strange distinct memory, rife with fear and panic, from a party a long time ago... </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">You see, my parents brought me with them to this get-together with a group of their friends, because they had all met when they had children and bonded over it and never parted since, blah blah blah. At this time, I must have been about four or five, maybe even three, without a care in the world except </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">w</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">ho was going to play with me and </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">where my next cookie was coming from.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">I was merrily bouncing along around a dining room table laden with amazing bundles of sugar and chocolate, trying to sneak a brownie or cookie away like some deprived little crazed child while an adult wasn't looking. Suddenly, I paused in my pursuits of sugar long enough to notice a curious open door at the back of the room. I became mesmerized by the glorious, magical stream of light pouring forth from the mysteriously ajar portal (the memory must be slightly skewed by the sugar high I was on). Approaching the door, full of wonder and probably tracking mud and dribbles of cookie crumbs on the nice carpet, I peered into what was surely a world full of magic and fairies.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">It was actually their basement. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Surprised by the lack of pixie dust in the air, I looked down the stairs, and instantly locked eyes with a monster. A huge, ferocious, furry brown monster. It had big, evil eyes and scary looking horns. It was also wearing a blood red scarf.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">I looked fearfully back towards the living room, where the adults were chatting and laughing and sipping wine. Surely, someone knows about this monster and will do something about it. But they were all focused on their chips and salsa, totally oblivious to their impending dooms at the hands of a vicious brown monster. </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">I was thinking, "OH MY GOD HOW DO THEY NOT KNOW THERE'S A MONSTER DOWN THERE?!" </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">At that moment, things became very simple in my mind:</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><b>1.</b></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">I could run to my mom and tell her about Monster. She would think I was just hyperactive from desserts and make me go play with the other girls. </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><b>Result</b>: Monster destroys the universe. Cookies destroyed as well. I lose.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><b>2.</b></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">I could tell my dad about Monster. He would go investigate but find nothing because clearly Monster has adult-senses and can become invisible at will to assist it in universe-destruction. </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><b>Result: </b>My dad laughs and then eats all the cookies because he is really a fat person disguised as a skinny person. Cookies gone. Then universe is destroyed. I lose.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><b>3.</b></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Or...I could attempt to valiantly tackle the malicious beast myself, focusing all my pent-up sugar energy into a monster-killing hyperbeam. </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><b>Result: </b>If I perish, I will die a hero and everyone will put flowers and cake on my grave to celebrate my awesomeness. And if I aim my hyperbeam well enough, Monster is vanquished. Universe saved. Cookies saved. </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">I WIN.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">It was decided. I would take matters into my own hands. With remorse and deep resignation, I selected what could possibly be my final, delicious piece of edible heaven. I took one with extra chocolate chips. One of the adults eyed me suspiciously so I crawled under the table to hide behind the long tablecloth.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">After savoring my cookie and taking a deep breath, I steeled myself for the battle and before I could change my mind, charged down the basement stairs, relying on my surprise tactic to give me the upper hand against Monster.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">At the bottom of the creaky stairs, I faced the chilling, dank air and the grim reality of my situation. Monster was but a mere few feet away from me, staring into my soul with its cold, heartless eyes. </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">And there we stood, like two Wild West gunslingers waiting for the perfect moment to attack the opponent. Monster was using some sort of psychological battle strategy, glaring at me contemptuously, trying to make me flee. I glared back. The suspense hung thick on the air. The tension was tangible. </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">I could stand it no longer. With a terrible battle cry and a final, loving thought for the cookies of the world, I launched myself at Monster.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">I knocked it to the ground and it dealt a nasty blow to my head (the result of me colliding with the wall in my attempt to vanquish Monster). I counterattacked, throwing Monster against the far wall of the basement. Its scarf unwrapped and Monster fell to the ground, on its side, obviously in its death throes because the scarf was actually its soul contained in a scarf.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">I waited. Monster remained still. I was seized with the desire for more sugar. Suddenly satisfied that I had killed it, I ran back upstairs and rewarded myself with another cookie.</span><br />
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<b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">I win.</span></b><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Anyway, to make a long story short, I later discovered that this "Monster" was actually a giant, somewhat creepy stuffed moose. </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Thus, I have possibly clarified my long-winded point: </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><i>Since I vanquished Monster and saved the entire universe and all of its cookies, clearly I am the Master of the Universe. And since I vanquished a moose at the ripe age of five, clearly, I reserve the right to damn well name it as my totem animal if I damn well please.</i></span><br />
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</i></span>Shanihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09594553546994038537noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6792905364409685197.post-85651498899251262502011-02-08T20:10:00.000-05:002011-02-22T19:13:59.302-05:00Awkward First Post<b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Hello all!</span></b><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">So...um...that greeting sounded way too chipper for my usual boring self. I'm new to blogging, but I recently felt the unimaginable urge to start. I have things to say, you know? So, regardless of your desire to read these posts, I am going to write them. So, uh... As you can see, I have gone right ahead and foretold the awkwardness of this first post. </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">You should also probably know that I am going to use the word "awkward" a lot, as there is no better word to describe me and my stupid actions. I apologize in advance if you're one of those people who really hate it when others overuse the word "awkward"... but really, that's just too bad for you. Sorry.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">I know I am the ultimate underdog of blogging at this exact minute, with precisely one reader (myself), but I feel I must share my inner dilemmas and foolish memories or I am going to just start vomiting up dangerous radioactive energy from the extreme pressure of them bouncing around my small soul and stomach. Yeah....I do believe it's that serious. </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">But in any case, I will try to amuse my small, insignificant crowd (at this precise moment, myself) with my often arbitrary and incoherent ramblings about the good ol' days and the time my pet bullfrog ate a sparrow alive. <b> </b></span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><b>So... buckle up? </b></span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><b> </b></span>Shanihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09594553546994038537noreply@blogger.com0