It was a good life. Down the road, there was a large pond. In the summer, everyone went there to swim, kayak, jump off the cliffs, and eat fattening foods.
...At least, that's what the sissies did. WE, however, the Shotgun-Wielding Chartiers, if you will, did something of MUCH more significance. WE didn't even take time to look over those sad saps sunbathing on the imported-sand beach.
WE had fire running through our veins.
WE hunted for danger.
My father, my brother, and I would trek over to the pond with our best game faces on. 20-gallon plastic buckets in hand, we would stride purposefully down the street and up the dirt path to the waterline, and stand there for a moment, mesmerizing all with our awesomeness.
Then, we would move out with our senses alert, and catch us some frogs.
Now, I know what you're thinking. Eh, wot? Them frogs, they ain't dangerous, pip. Clearly, you have not sat through New England Frog Analysis 101. And lemme tell ya, this ain't no walk in the park. Here in Massachusetts, this is some serious shit, y'all.
1. Preparation
To become a legendary Frog Hunter, one must harness their natural senses and MAKE THEM EPIC.
You have to be able to taste the swampy air to determine the rankest, moistest locations for stakeouts.
You have to be able to hear the heartbeat of potential prey and single out the frogs from the turtles.
You must be able to rely on sight to seek out proper positions for surprise attacks on your target.
You have to be able to smell the sweaty stench of fear when the frog realizes it is being stalked.
And this, my friends, is the most important of all the five senses: You must be sharply in tune with the textures of nature, because when that sucker dives into the leaf-and-poop-muck at the bottom of the pond, you better be able to tell what's frog and what's not while you're chasing your prey down.
Without the correct amount of training and practice in the heightening of the five senses, missions have the potential to be extremely humiliating and disgraceful.
2. Proper Frog-Gathering Equipment (Just remember: ABCD)
A: A stomach of steel. The swamps of 'Chusetts ain't for the faint of heart.
B: Bucket (read: THE GEAR YOU LIFE DEPENDS ON). What happens when you've successfully extracted a vicious opponent from the water and you don't have anywhere to put it? Well... just don't get caught in that situation. It's not pretty, that's for sure.
C: Clothes. Don't where your wedding dress or anything.
D: Dexterity of the gods. Frogs are speedy, slimy bastards.
3. Classification of Frogs
The Spring Peeper
As you can see from the masterful image above, this is an amphibian that moves in fast-forward. Quite frankly, I never wasted my time with these. They're wicked fast and ridiculously hard to pin down, they squeak obnoxiously, and they aren't exactly impressive specimens to show off to onlookers.
Difficulty: Intermediate - Expert
The Average Frog
Most of 'em are like this guy. Not much going on in the ol' noggin, if you catch my drift. Whether you be a seasoned Frog Hunter, or a cautious beginner, these frogs offer enough excitement and variety to keep everyone happily busy.
Difficulty: Novice - Expert
The Bullfrog
If you've honed your skills to a razor-sharpness and you're feelin' saucy, then it may be time to move up to the next level. The distinctive call of the bullfrog is clear and easy to pick out from the rest of the riffraff of the swamp. The capturing of these beasts requires nerves of steel and sheer willpower. Yes, they will fight back. But you can do this. Even if it takes an entire afternoon of observing and a swim through the muck.
Difficulty: Expert
Jeter the Devil
This is where shit gets serious. This is the frog that eats other frogs. This is the frog that eats live birds. Yes, he is sitting in a pool of blood.
Difficulty: No.
"Difficulty: No." <-- Blog gold. You just keep writing these so I have funnies to read.
ReplyDeleteOh Mizz. Stop it. You're too kind.
ReplyDelete