The Bones Gene

Hey! Wanna hear about the time I almost got raped by a horny cat?

There was something different about Bones.

We could just tell.  His brother, Ritzy, acted like any other cat.  He ate his dry Purina cat chow, pooped in the litter box, sat his smelly fat ass down on our laps for petting, and looked attentively at us when we called his name in a high-pitched voice. 

But not Bones.  I think he was a few violins short of an orchestra.  A few rowers short of a sculling team.  He was missing some marbles.  I don’t know.  Maybe it was genetic, but Bones had a quality about him that made one question his ability to navigate his way off of a couch.

I have added a loincloth in the hope that it will help this cat maintain a shred of dignity.

First of all, he seemed to have trouble walking. He would start off determinedly towards a different room, then flop over onto the floor immediately if I poked him with my foot.

Second, ironically, he had no spine. Watching Bones walk around, one would assume he had a normal bone structure. However, upon picking him up, his skeleton would melt instantly.

It made about as much sense as this picture.

Third, he had a distant, wandering look perpetually glazed over his eyes. When I picked him up or called his name for food, something gave me the sense that he wasn't fully invested in his immediate environment.

Finally, he tried to impregnate me.

That sentence grosses me out just looking at it.

If you can remember back into the mists of time, you will recall that I posted something about how my mom unintentionally taught me about sex by letting our cat get pregnant. It was spring, it was warm, and love was in the air. Our trio of cats, Ritzy, Maya, and Bones, were no exception.

For the purpose of receiving kittens for our enjoyment, we had postponed the neutering / spaying of our kittehs. Soon enough, our days were filled with watching our fine young studs awkwardly trying to get it on with Maya.

Once again I have creeped myself out. 

I have provided a visual to clarify this embarrassing display of feline instinct:

Survival of the fittest.

As far as we could tell, neither bachelor really had fatherhood in the cards. Ritzy was too naive and obese, and Bones was just... Bones.


Whatever the case, one of them seemed to have gotten the job done, as Maya did actually give birth to five kittens. Unless, of course, it was Boots, the black cat across the street. I suppose I will never know. My dear Mousse does bear quite a resemblance to Bones, however.


If you've ever seen cats mating, you will know that the male tries to jump on the female, bite her neck, and get some sugar.


...Um...yeah. 


Well, after a day or two of watching the Magnificent Kitty Bros attempt this, I was used to it. I didn't exactly understand it, but it wasn't weirding me out anymore. 


So there I was, sitting on a stool in the kitchen, waiting for my mommy to finish cooking dinner. I was so innocent. Little did I know, Bones was sitting on the floor next to me trying to process his environment. In his shriveled raisin of a brain, this was the most complex thought he could muster:

You see, to Bones, the outside world was reduced to simplest terms:


1. If it moves, it's alive.
2. If it squeaks and moves, it should be eaten.
3. If it's taller than five feet and it moves, it's a human.
4. If it's shorter than five feet and it moves, it's a cat.


So, I was sitting there, a little, short fifth grader minding her own business, when suddenly this massive cat decides that I'm a female cat and leaps onto my back.

Mom: Oh my god! 


She throws down her spoon and rushes to my aid, since this twenty-pound cat just pulled me backwards off my stool and onto the wood floor. 


Bones scrambles off after I almost crush him. 


Mom: ...


Me: ...


Mom: ...


What do you even say after your mentally challenged cat tries to deflower your daughter? What do you say after your mentally challenged cat tries to deflower YOU? I was so confused. What happened?


Mom: ...he was going to bite your neck, too.


Okay, traumatized for life. Thanks, Mom, for letting me experience being assaulted by a horny cat. Those kittens better be damn worth it.


I still feel violated.